Activision Blizzard, in the latest attempt to damage control their spiraling PR nightmare, has taken drastic measure to curb all sexual harassment in the workplace. Their HR department is under new management, and is rolling out strict new guidelines for how they treat their women.
The freshly appointed Director of Human Resources, Abdul Ghani Baradar, has decided to take a zero tolerance policy with sexual harassment by forbidding almost all contact between men and women in the office. In fact, they'll be almost completely segregated, and all women will be required to wear some form of head covering and conservative form of dress that covers the entire body.
This latest change comes as a welcome improvement over Activision Blizzard's prior environment, where women would often be degraded or humiliated for the enjoyment of the male employees.
"Catcalling? Haram. No more tongue. Touching? Haram. No more hands. Simple as." Abdul explained in the official press conference highlighting their new policies, a squad of armed HR policy enforcers looming behind him. These new policy enforcers will be patrolling the office, to make sure all Activision Blizzard games are certified halal.
This change will be felt throughout not only Activision Blizzard's offices, but their games as well, as they will begin to remove anything haram from their games going forward. Many Overwatch skins will be removed, and all characters will be dressing considerably more conservatively in all of their games. World of Warcraft will be undergoing a considerable overhaul, as all of the lore will be rewritten to better acknowledge that Allah is the Lord and there is no power greater than Allah.
This looks to be the kind of change that Activision Blizzard needs, and hopefully within a year or so enough hands and tongues will be cut off to earn the community's trust once more. From what we've heard, several employees have already been stoned or thrown off of the roof of the Activision Blizzard office building, which sounds incredibly promising. Finally, women are empowered again and the patriarchy is getting what it deserves.