Nintendo Announces Way For Fans To Re-Experience Classics For The First Time

Nostalgia has long been a cornerstone of Nintendo's marketing strategy. Familiar faces like Mario and Pikachu keep people coming back to their consoles, and it's been a bit of a double-edged sword.

Fans want to play their beloved childhood favorites... And yet Nintendo is consistently developing new software. New software that needs to strike a fine balance between old and new, lest the fans become upset. Nintendo fans just want more games like Super Mario 64, except not the exact same because that's rehashing content, but not too different because then it's never as good as the original. But Nintendo has finally found a solution.

The new Nintendo Lobotomii, not to be confused with the Wii or Wii U, will completely reset the player's lifetime gaming history. This exciting new product will be compatible with Switch, Wii U, 3DS, and even retro consoles as far back as the NES. All you'll need is the Lobotomii Hammer, Lobotomii Orbitoclast, and some thoughts and prayers.

For the low, low price of $299.99 USD ($599.99 for the Deluxe version), the Nintendo Lobotomii will make it feel like you've never played a game in your life. Simply insert the Orbitoclast into your eye socket of choice, and hammer away. Don't worry, I know they look big, but they're actually just made of cheap Nintendo plastic with some lead in the ends for weight. You'll barely feel the icepick wedge into your brain. The Lobotomii will wipe every gaming memory you've ever had, so you'll get to experience all of your favorite games as if you've never even played them. The Lobotomii launches with Super Mario 3, Ocarina of Time, and Pokémon Yellow version, all sold separately for their original retail price (with inflation factored in).

You'll need to sign a form before you use it, and it's recommended you study the instruction manual very carefully, as improper use may result in wiping of other, non-gaming memories, as well as coma and death. But it's made it through testing with only one Chinese child being rendered a vegetable out of the entire beta group of like what, twelve children? Those are some good odds. I'd gamble on that.

I'm telling you, this is the future. Nintendo won't even need to make games anymore, we're done. We've finally done it. Video games are done, we can stop making them now. We're free.

In fine cities of pure gold, we shall begin every morning as children to experience our memories of finest nostalgia, and every night we shall go to bed as great elders, learned and experienced in all gaming has to offer, content with a life well lived, so that we may begin the cycle anew every morning, every day, every week, every month and year forever, unto the ages of ages.