It's a problem we've all had at different times in our lives. Laying awake in bed, they're not texting you back, it's 3am. Your mind starts racing. What if everyone in your life secretly hates you? What if you're an insignificant cog in a machine that will ultimately lead mankind into bondage and the world as we know it into ruin? What if you're part Italian on your 23andMe?
Well you can kiss all your anxieties goodbye, thanks to the latest discovery from Harvard. A cure for those nasty little fictional scenarios you make up in your head that make you upset. What if you discovered that a girlfriend you don't even have turned out to be one of those heartless whores you hear about on the internet, using you for money and cheating on you with specifically an African American male for some reason? Fucking bitch. I don't even have a girlfriend, but you know this is exactly what I would not tolerate. This is why I would simply find a nice, traditional girl instead of these sluts on "Instagram" or whatever they use.
The cure is actually quite simple. Using extremely advanced and precise tools, a small hole or holes are drilled or scraped into the skull, letting out any of the evil spirits and relieving any buildup of pressure that might be occurring in the brain area. That dream you had where your boyfriend said something mean to you and now you're mad at him for real? With the release of pressure in your head, such occurrences are no more.
Sometimes I think about how the sun will probably explode one day and the resulting black hole will destroy the entire planet and I'll be dead by then and probably like everyone and everything else I know will also be dead and gone, but like even the cool rocks in my rock collection will be gone too. By then they'll probably be like, part of the Earth. Maybe a volcano will cover them in magma or something. Their googly eyes will fall off and decompose probably. I know that shit is plastic and will take a billion years to decompose, but I think by then they'll break down and shit. And then I think about how I watched an episode of Rick and Morty one time, and it made me realize how small we are in the universe. Like I probably don't even mean anything. How fucked is that?
Well no more. With the three conveniently placed holes in my skull, I no longer think about Rick and Morty. I can't even remember one episode of Rick and Morty, and every time I see them I set them on fire to dispel the evil spirits before they sneak into the holes in my skull. I don't even think about Rick and Morty anymore, in fact I don't think I can even remember one episode. These holes are really great, and I no longer feel any evil spirits in my head. I'm just happy all the time, and sometimes I like to imagine what just one more hole could do for me. What if there was even less pressure in my brain? Even fewer evil spirits? I'm sure there's gotta be like a couple more, right? Sometimes I still feel not happy. I'm supposed to be happy all the time, that's the American Dream.
One day, science will figure out how to cure all pain, suffering, and death. We can live forever in a big computer and the computer will program our brains to be happy all the time and no one will ever have to work at GameStop ever again. Every night I hypothesize to Science that I'll never have to think about that scary Rick and Morty show ever again. I only hope my hypotheses are answered.