Andrew Tate Admits He's A Virgin, Made The Whole Thing Up To Sound Cool

"It all started with one little lie. And then it got bigger, and bigger, and I had to keep telling more lies just to keep up the first lie. Eventually it all got out of control, and I didn't know what to do." Andrew Tate admitted in a shocking interview, forlornly twiddling his thumbs and looking at his shoes. The former kickboxer came clean, telling the world he doesn't even talk to girls because they're too scary.

"I never had a girlfriend. Never in my whole life, I was too afraid of girls. What if they don't like me? What if they're mean to me? My mom always said I was handsome, but the girls at school were never as nice to me as my mom was. I was always too shy and never wanted to go talk to them. But people would ask, you know, so I'd just make things up. I knew it was wrong, my parents always told me lying was wrong. But I didn't want them to think anything less of me." Tate went on, tears coming to his eyes. He sniffled and squeaked, asking if he could go hold his mother's hand several times. She was in the room with us, apparently she was the one that forced him to come clean after their home got raided.

"I had no idea what my son was getting up to on the internet. That should go as a lesson to all the parents out there, make sure you're keeping an eye on their computer and phone time. You never know what kind of crowds they'll fall in with." Tate's mother sighed, her brow furrows with worry and disbelief.

"I just wanted people to like me and think I was cool. All the boys at school had girlfriends so I just said I had one. And then they started asking me questions, and I just had to keep making things up. Before I knew it, there were police at my door. I said I was sorry, but Mom said I'm grounded until my hair grows back. I don't even know what that means. But I'm not allowed to play Call of Duty and I'm not allowed to use my phone, and that sucks. I'm never lying ever again, promise. I don't even like girls anyway. They're yucky and they have cooties. And they like dumb girly things like the color pink and unicorns. I'd rather hang out with my boy friends and talk about Power Rangers or what our favorite monster truck is." Tate explained, relieved to have the weight of his lies off his chest, but still a bit like a whimpering dog after being scolded by his mother in front of the whole news crew.

I guess that means this is the end of the Tate drama, and no one will be able to milk his stupid fans and all the drama for engagement anymore. We'll have to find a different thing to write about that'll generate outrage consistently no matter what my opinion is or what the news article actually says. Gotta pay the bills somehow.

Maybe I'll get into writing about politics.