politics Trump Has "Scary, Bleeding, Hyper-Realistic Eyes", Warns Democrats "Please get out and vote, please. You don't understand. Something needs to be done. Please. I'm so fucking scared, man. I'm so fucking scared. God, please. I don't know what
breaking news Eclipse Will Allow "Entities" To Cross Over To Our Reality, Claims NASA The internet has been abuzz with the upcoming total solar eclipse, but NASA thinks we should all be taking more precautions for our safety and for the integrity of our
politics Republicans Push For "Temporary Legalized Slavery" For Social And Economic Woes Desperate times call for desperate measures, apparently, as Republicans are now pushing to bring back a "controlled, temporary form of slavery" that would allow men to own "lesser individuals". The
fortnite Quaker Oats Mascot "Larry" Coming To Fortnite Epic Games has secured yet another impressive crossover for Fortnite. Move over Rick and Morty. Joining the impressive roster of collaboration characters like Goku, Master Chief, and Thanos is "Larry"
politics Supreme Court Rules That No One Is Obligated To Put Up With Your Bullshit Anymore The Supreme Court has decided, in a landmark case, that no one really needs to put up with your bullshit anymore. Everyone has just gotten sick of it. We've all
tech Musk Proposes Tesla Cars Be Fitted With Giant Spring To Avoid Collisions The genius scientific mind behind Tesla, SpaceX, and now the social media site X (formerly and lesserly known as "Twitter" before Musk brought attention and public acclaim to the niche
wholesome Black Mold Exposure Actually Very Good For You, Makes You Happy And Live Longer Actually, Study Finds Fake news has been destroyed once again. I love black mold exposure. I love it so much. I love having black mold in my house. I love to have black
tech Apple's "Vision Pro" VR Headset Will Allow Demons To Show Themselves To Mankind Finally The final barriers are being broken. Soon, with the release of Apple's "mixed reality" headset, we will be able to mix the reality of our realm with the realm beyond
pride month Christian Leaders To "Have No Sex" In Protest Of Pride Month Pride Month has begun to receive more and more backlash from conservative and Christian leaders, with many calling upon corporations to stop pushing the "homosexual agenda" upon the country and
legend of zelda "Link Loves Zelda, Not Ganondorf" Confused Miyamoto Confirms Nintendo has made a very perplexing official statement today, confirming that main protagonist of the Legend of Zelda series, Link, is not in love with the main villain, Ganondorf. Link,
world news Re-Election Of Turkish President Erdoğan Will Have No Bearing On Next Season Of "90 Day Fiancé" With Erdoğan being re-elected for yet another new term, many were concerned that the state of Turkey's democracy and world government as a whole might somehow impact our lives. What
politics Mad Catz To Release Third-Party Candidate For Upcoming Election Mad Catz, known for their third-party gaming peripherals, has announced that they will be creating their first ever third-party political candidate for the upcoming election in hopes of giving voters
heartwarming REPORT: Archangel Michael Confirms Ross From Friends Will Be Eternally Damned Many will be relieved to hear that Ross from Friends is going to be damned for all eternity. This is truly a glorious day for everyone. All of mankind. All
we live in a society "Killdozer" Funko POP! Figure Pre-Orders Sell Out As Scalpers Once Again Exploit Resale Market We live in such a bitter, rotten world. There is no peace. There is no justice. There is only suffering. There is only hate. There is only wickedness. You people
breaking news "Boys Who Cry" Frontman Steps Down Following Sexual Misconduct Allegations Popular boy band "Boys Who Cry" has been in the headlines lately, embroiled in a scandal that's become all too frequent a thing in this day and age. Creepy men,
america Trump Sentenced To Execution By Crucifixion It's a sad day for America, folks. Trump arraigned, patriots losing ground in states across the country. Nation is collapsing. But the worst news was yet to come. The liberal
fact check FACT CHECK: Experts Falsely Claim "Running" Is "Good For You" False statements and "studies" have been circulating the internet, as always, this time with the claim that we "should be running regularly" for our health. And apparently, not running puts
youtube YouTuber "iDubbbz" Challenges Alt-Right Troll Sam Hyde To Pleasure His Wife In "OnlyFans Fight" Following Creator Clash Drama YouTube "influencer" boxing fans have been looking forward to the upcoming "Creator Clash 2" event with anticipation, hoping to see their favorite YouTube stars punch the snot out of each
wholesome Pope Francis Declares Pit Bulls God's Most Blessed Creation Pit Bulls are one of the most controversial breeds of dog, due to their reputation as violent and potentially lethal. However, they're still one of the most popular dogs in
breaking news BuzzFeed Acquires Satire Site PissDaily After Original Owner's Death You heard it right, folks. BuzzFeed has taken over PissDaily and all of its various activities for the foreseeable future. It's the least we can do, when we heard what
wholesome Andrea Tate Moved To All-Female Prison In Epic Win For Trans Rights Ever since Andrea Tate came out as transgender they've been under attack from bigots, transphobes, and various "influencers" and people in the "media". Bigots are always trying to silence and
twitter Elon Musk Vows To End "Woke Mind Virus", Bans "Rick And Morty" From Twitter The "woke news media" has gotten out of control with their influence over the young and impressionable minds of America's youth. Trying to force crazy ideas into their heads, like
cringe Hooters To Go Vegan, Only Hire Vaccinated Drag Queens And Trans People, Use Pronouns To Better Appeal To Millennials Struggling restaurant chain Hooters is going to be revamping their business in a major way. It's natural for preferences to shift from generation to generation, and for some reason millennials
furries CIA Declassifies Gun That Instantly Uploads 2.5 Petabytes Of Gay Furry Art Into Target's Brain Many have speculated about what kinds of secrets the government has been hiding from us. Alien life, secrets of the universe, man-made horrors beyond our comprehension. Some things have been
breaking news BREAKING: A Second Rainbow Cruise Has Just Hit Whomp's Fortress Oh God oh fuck I can't believe it this can't be happening this can't be happening the tower is coming down oh my God there are bodies falling the bodies
