The internet has been abuzz with the upcoming total solar eclipse, but NASA thinks we should all be taking more precautions for our safety and for the integrity of our dimension, apparently. The important astrological event will apparently make the boundaries of our reality thinner and more "permeable", claims top scientists. And the revelation has many trying to figure out what the hell that's even supposed to mean.
"It's kind of like, you ever see the little yin and yang symbol? Kind of like that. It would be fallacious to say these entities will be crossing over from a different dimension. They're always kind of just there. We exist on the side of order and logic. They exist across a sort of dimensional axis. You remember, like in math class? Not quite negative, but sort of mirrored. They are an angelic, demonic, chaotic world of purer essences, both creative and destructive." One representative from NASA attempted to explain, in an exclusive interview, while we passed some sort of drug around. I don't know what it was, I don't think it was weed. I took a hit and became paranoid about the chance that it's probably possible to shit my intestines out and die immediately. "They're like... They're not superior to humans, but not inferior. They're like... these little shits. I've dealt with them. They're little shits. They lack the compassion that humans do, because they don't grapple with the constraints of order like we do. Pain, loss, lacking, yearning. They're like these spoiled little children. If you can just spawn infinite hotdogs the hotdogs become meaningless, you know?"
The interview kind of got sidetracked from there, we stopped at a 7-Eleven. I've never had 7-Eleven food that hit that hard before but I got really anxious and threw it up on the way back to the office.
The eclipse will create a "thinning" of the boundaries of reality, and allow "entities" to permeate through. This will lead, I've been told, to "unprecedented hijinks" of an "absurd and comical nature". They could make a bird poop on your head randomly, by pure coincidence. Or have you trip over your own feet and eat shit on the curb. Or cause premature ejaculation. Sometimes it just happens like that. These entities, whatever they are, can cause quite a bit of trouble. Basically, if you wanted something really zany to happen, during the eclipse would be the right time. Reality and fantasy, order and chaos, those boundaries will be momentarily blurred. Like you could probably do a pretty sick bottle flip. Or if you're on the malevolent side of some of these mischievous beings, you could win the lottery and then have a seagull swoop down and eat your ticket right out of your hands. They'll fuck your shit right up if you're not careful. Like some old fairy-tale where little gnomes will shit in your bed if you don't make an offering of bread crust and shoe leather. Real watery shits too, like the kind that stinks so bad you have to throw up. A bitch to clean, you're better off just burning the whole mattress and buying a new bed. Yeah they're some nasty little fuckers.
"Avoid putting yourself in any situations during this time. Or if you do, make it count at least. These kinds of moments don't come every day you know. I'm gonna try sucking my own dick. I think it'll be pretty interesting, from a scientific perspective, to see what that kind of elevated entropy will do to my experimentation. Try not to travel too far, and if you don't want to get shit on by something you might want to stay indoors." NASA's representative warned.
We've also been urged to not try and fistfight these entities, as they lack any corporeal form and will make you look like an utter buffoon. Like, imagine. Even if you were some kind of Conan the Barbarian looking gigachad and you try and punch a weird geometric clown thing, and you can't even make physical contact, and it just points and laughs at you. Humiliating. Utterly humiliating. I wouldn't recommend.