"Please get out and vote, please. You don't understand. Something needs to be done. Please. I'm so fucking scared, man. I'm so fucking scared. God, please. I don't know what else to do, I don't even know if that will stop him." Democrats urged voters, making some quite ominous claims about the former president. "Something is wrong. He changed, somehow. No one is safe."

Donald Trump, despite all of his scandals, is still in the running for the presidency. And he apparently has "hyper-realistic eyes" that are red, bleeding, and very scary. It has been reported that no one has actually laid eyes on the former president and made it out in one piece. The individuals that made the initial claims have either needed to be locked up in padded cells to keep themselves and others around them safe, or have already killed themselves in horribly gruesome ways.

The reports only get more chilling from there.

Deal of the Century

"He appeared on my TV at midnight, it was all staticky. His eyes were so realistic. Like, more realistic than real life, you know? I was so freaked out, man. I thought he'd crawl right out of the screen. I tried turning it off, but it wouldn't do anything. The lights in my room flickered, and the power went out. Whole house, black as night. But the TV stayed on, and he just kept staring at me. Went on some rant about China? He was talking about, like, the economy and stuff. I thought my TV was just bugging out or something at one point, his voice sounded normal. It was just his eyes, man. But then he said my full name, address, and social security number. Then he said he was gonna appear in my room that night. I didn't go to my room that night, I slept on a bench in the park. Someone stole my watch. This is serious stuff, man." Our anonymous informant, who works closely with Trump, told us. They then proceeded to panic, hyperventilate, and begin scratching at their skin furiously. Eventually we had to restrain them because they started peeling their skin off and getting blood all over our office and we did not want to pay to have that cleaned.

These claims seem preposterous and absurd, most likely false. However, when I went to go take a piss just now I saw Donald Trump right behind me for a split second in the mirror. He had hyper-realistic scary red eyes that were bleeding. When I turned around he wasn't there, and he disappeared from the mirror. And I could've swore I felt him give it a shake. You know, to get the last couple drops out. I was so fucking scared, dude.

So, uh, you should probably go vote. Or maybe not, maybe that will only make him angrier. I don't know. Maybe we should just let nature take its course. This does appear to be a force of nature at work, primordial and occult as it is. Maybe say a prayer or something and just hope for the best.