CDC Cracks Down On "Clown Fuckers", Classifies Coulrophilia As Severe Mental Illness

An odd fashion trend has been sweeping the internet, and taking up roots in the OnlyFans content creator community. "Clowncore", as it's referred to, has captivated e-girls and e-whores all over. It seems everywhere you look, someone is either filming pornography with clown makeup on, or desperately seeking pornography from a girl wearing clown makeup.

I think it's something in the water. Or maybe it has something to do with the astrological cycles or something. I dunno. Either way, clown porn is here and it's thriving. But experts say, this isn't something we should be embracing.

"It's obvious, from our childhood fear of clowns, that this appears to be some kind of extreme stress response to the world we live in today. Or possibly some kind of demonic possession. Don't you know, we see clown and jester-like beings frequently while on hard drugs such as DMT? I believe this lies in the extradimensional origin of the "clown" as we know it. They're aliens, or demons of some kind. Really, they are. I wouldn't trust a clown with my life, I'm telling you." The CDC's spokesperson said in a press conference addressing the clown fucker pandemic.

"We've seen mental health crises come and go with high-stress world events. The threat of war, disease, all that. But clowns? Really, I think that would call for electroshock therapy at the very least, if not a full lobotomy. We're currently working on a cure for this terrifying new mental illness, but so far our best medication is a .375 magnum to the skull, which instantly wipes all of those images from one's mind." An official statement and guidelines read on the CDC's website. Various preventative measures were also recommended, such as going to church, not using the internet, and reading the Bible.

Clowns? Why clowns? Of all things. What, I don't get it, do you want a clown to throw a pie at you and then lick it off or something? Or is it like, do you want to hit the clown with a mallet or something, and that gets you off? Like some kind of weird, depraved The Three Stooges bit? Or is this some horrible breaking of the fourth wall in our cosmic, divine comedy? Our elite ruling class is made up of clowns, and we the working class desire more than anything to rise up and assert dominance over those who have oppressed us?

Please, go outside. See the real world. Talk to a real girl. Go on a date. Applebee's or something. Doesn't have to be anything great. Get her number. Don't make us attach an electrode to your brain.