Christian Leaders To "Have No Sex" In Protest Of Pride Month

Pride Month has begun to receive more and more backlash from conservative and Christian leaders, with many calling upon corporations to stop pushing the "homosexual agenda" upon the country and their children. They've organized boycotts of companies that have ran pride-themed ad campaigns, and protested at pride events.

Their latest call to action is to boycott sex in its entirety, as a community. Conservatives, Christians, and others opposing the LGBT movement are being beckoned to join in on a complete, total sex strike. Republican and Christian leaders have insisted that in a culture dominated by sex and indulgence, the only way to fight it is by practicing abstinence and moderation.

"Stop having sex. No more sex. This is not how God intended mankind to act. We should only be making love to procreate, and not for meaningless pleasure. And we should not be taking pride in it, because pride is a sin. No more sex, period. For  the duration of this month, I call upon all who stand opposed to this Satanic agenda to stop having sex." One Christian leader declared, with others chiming in to agree.

"If they want to have meaningless, degenerate sex, we will stand opposed to them. We will have no sex. We will show them what love truly means. No sex, for any of us, for the next month. Maybe more than a month. Not even with one's spouse, to procreate. No sex at all. Don't even kiss. Don't even hug, or embrace, or touch one another. This slippery slope into degeneracy has gone too far. We really shouldn't even be sharing a bed with these vile temptresses. ... No, I'm not saying... Yes, they are our wives. But even good Christian wives are descended from Eve, and she... Yes, that's right. Every woman is burdened with the sins of Eve, and they are all vile temptresses. Even the good ones. They're not to be trusted. And the only way to put an end to this depravity is to restrain ourselves, and cease our own degenerate ways. We are all Adam, and we must resist the temptation and be strong. Even if the serpent tempts our wives, corrupts our wives, or has sex with our wives. It doesn't matter. We must remain strong. Don't even allow yourself to get hard. Crack it, like a glow stick. Punch yourself in the balls if you have to. Or ask your wife to do it for you. Something as unpleasurable as this should discourage any sexual thoughts." Christian leaders all agreed at an anti-pride rally.

"We recommend the use of what we're calling chastity protection devices, which will function as a front-line of defense against sin to help along those that may struggle against Satan's temptations. These cage-like devices will in fact liberate you from sin, and elevate you to a higher plane of purity."

These devices will be available on the church's website for purchase at a discounted price from what you might have to pay at, say, a Lover's Lane or something.