If Everything On XVIDEOS Was This Eloquent We'd Have Colonies On Mars By Now

Okay dude, I don’t even know what the fuck I just played, but I’ll try to break it all down for you. Journalism can know no boundaries.

Japanese games are big now, with the weeb market growing more and more each day, there’s just no stopping it. Anime hentai RPG games, titty ninja rip their clothes off games, all that shit. It’s everywhere, infesting every genre. This is what we get for nuking Japan. The radiation is in the atmosphere now, it’s in the dust we breath, the Hostess brand Twinkies we eat.

And now this game, I’ve just got no fucking clue. I don’t speak bukkake, I couldn’t figure out for one second what the fuck this game was even about. But boy, lemme tell ya, this shit was fucking intense. Like that funny green stuff they eat at Asian restaurants.

Now this game is called Fate (Forward Slash) Excedrin: Umbreon’s Star. The forward slash is very important. It’s like the R in Toys R Us. But in Japanese.

Umbreon’s Star is a Chinese Dynasty Warriors game for the PS4, Vita, PC, and Nintendo Switch. Unlike past Dynasty Warriors games that take place in Japan and pit you against ninjas and shit, Fate Excedrin takes place in China. You’ll need to jump through the fabric of spacetime, beating up robots and hentai girls. Like they do in China.

Remember, not all Asians are Japanese. Some of them have fox ears and elegant female penises.

Excedrin has a very compelling plot. The Earth is suddenly a Rubik’s Cube, and there are robots trying to take over. But you, someone’s first deviantArt character, have the power to stop them with anime girls named after famous historical figures. Like George Washington and Joseph Stalin.

But wait, there’s fucking more. Get this, the whole game is in fucking Chinese. Some dingaling totally forgot to translate it. Where’s 4kids when you need them? Someone needs to get on this shit, how am I supposed to play anything if I can’t read it?

Can you understand a word of this gibberish? Because I fucking can’t.

The game itself on the other hand is wholly unimpressive. Not bad or anything, just like, it’s fucking Dynasty Warriors. Off-brand Dynasty Warriors at that. There’s nothing spectacular about a Great Value brand, Made in China Dynasty Warriors.

Wal-Mart Brand “Regime Dudes”, just as good as the name brand but at half the cost. Except it costs the same and has anime tits in it, which is kind of a fair trade-off. The in-game models are very nice and have jiggle physics and everything. But that’s really the only thing compelling about the game. The plot is gibberish, unless you’ve apparently watched the mangos and read the amiibos.

If you’re a fan of Dynasty Warriors, hey, you might kinda like it. Sure, it’s not quite as polished, and the combat might be a little more on the repetitive side. The plot is garbage, the characters are incredibly flat. Personality-wise, the titties are fucking huge. And that’s really what matters in the end, isn’t it? The titties? That’s why I bought this game. Isn’t it why you’re reading this right now?

Dynasty Warriors aren’t typically all too great when it comes to a lot of things. Like eating steak at Applebee’s. Who the fuck eats steak at Applebee’s? Really? It’s unappetizing, the presentation isn’t all too great, and it’s a cheap chain restaurant take on a high-class restaurant dish. Sure, people order it. But are they morally right for doing so? No. They’ll burn in Hell. But when you strip away the little presentation that Dynasty Warriors has in favor of titties, what is there really?

The finished product is a mishmash of pseudointellectual sci-fi nonsense and button mashing, all in order to attempt justifying wanting to wank off to some jiggly anime titties. Is it really worth it in the end? Is paying full price for a video game, sinking hours into it, and sitting through paragraphs of meaningless techno-babble lore just to see some virtual titties shake really worth it?

The answer, of course, is yes. What, y’all really gonna judge a fella? You get to take a bath with your virtual cartoon wife, and you can see the tops of her boobies. That’s like, what, second base? Fuck outta here with your negative vibes, man.