HEARTWARMING: Man Who Preordered Every Single Animal Crossing Switch To Sell On eBay Will Piss And Shit On All Of Them To Keep Them Warm

Animal Crossing fans the world over were thrilled when Nintendo announced the official Animal Crossing New Horizons special edition Switch console.

The cute console, with its light blue and green Joy-Cons and special Animal Crossing pattern console dock, is supposed to launch alongside the game.

However, preorders were quickly sold out. Much like any limited run video game console, demand is incredibly high, and many people looking to profit off of that demand will purchase consoles in bulk to resell them.

The result is a lot of angry players that don’t get their limited run consoles, and a lot of shitheads with severely marked up consoles that no one in their right mind would pay a couple thousand for. But in this dark side of the collectible world is a little highlight.

The guy that bought all those consoles and is getting ready to sell them on eBay? He’s gonna piss all over them. He’s gonna whip his perfectly average four inch penis out and fucking hose those consoles down until they’re hot and musky with the scent of piss.

Tom Nook and all his little Nooklings are gonna have their cute little faces soaked in steaming yellow piss. The soft, creamy white finish on the dock will be stained a deep amber color, a mix of the vivid yellows and dark browns once he pisses and shits all over those consoles. He might even cum on them too.

Those consoles are gonna be sitting nice and toasty, bundled up in long, moist, serpentine coils of human shit; the boxes filled to the brim with piss like hot water in a cup of instant noodles. There might even be a few corn pieces floating around in there.

If you’re gonna be buying one of these babies off of eBay, you can rest assured knowing that your console will be happy and warm, safely insulated in its piss and shit encasement. No matter how rough FedEx is with your package, those gentle, squishy rolls of shit will cushion the goods and that fragrant, golden nectar will keep it properly moisturized.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons launches March 20th, 2020.