In Response To Sony And Microsoft Acquisitions, Nintendo Purchases Land, Guns, Bulk Ammo

Sony and Microsoft have been on a buying spree lately, acquiring studios and IP left and right. Some of the biggest names in gaming, like Activision Blizzard and Bethesda, have been snatched right up by the big console makers to add to their stable of console exclusives and subscription service backlogs.

Many fanboys and console war enthusiasts were wondering what would happen next. If Nintendo would sink their teeth into some studios, acquire some IP, confirm some new Smash character possibilities. But oddly enough, Nintendo has denied looking to acquire anyone, stating they would rather work on themselves instead of expanding outward.

And then they bought a bunch of land, and guns, and bulk ammo for no discernible reason.

"We at Nintendo want to be able to bring you all of the best Nintendo experiences you know and love. Even after the bombs drop. Even after the hubris of man catches up to us, and the towers we build in defiance of the Lord crumble back to the dust. When the oxen have been set free, and your masters' blood runs in the streets, we here at Nintendo will still be committed to bringing you the beloved game franchises you grew up with." Nintendo's statement read, rather ominously.

"If only you knew how bad things really are. You would thank us for putting out crippled, brightly colored chunks of plastic that can barely run modern software. I'll tell you what your Nintendo Switch never did, analyze your every move and feed the data to a dark mystical order reconstructing your consciousness in a robot-human hybrid brain tank. We sell toys here. We sell toys for children. I'll tell you what we never had, a contract with the US government to use our technology for weapons of mass destruction. What are they gonna do, add motion support to their murder drones? You'll be able to carpet bomb large swatches of clueless brown people with a waggle of your wrist? We're just trying to stay in business, man. We sell toys. Big, plastic, colorful toys. You'll never have to sleep with a gun or shoot your big black government-authorized entertainment box in the middle of the night. It won't narc on you to Big Brother. Be thankful we don't charge more for it." Miyamoto went off in a series of now-deleted tweets, and his account has been mysteriously suspended as of today.

I can't wait to see what kinds of Mario games they make post-civilization. I just hope the technocracy doesn't outlaw non-NFT games, then I'll never get to play Super Mario 64 for the thirty-seventh time.