Let's Take A Moment To Talk About Jesus

Today is Easter, and I found it only fitting that we took a break from the video game journalism to reflect on Easter things. Like Jesus.

Jesus was a pretty cool guy. You know that? He was all about peace and love, man. He was all about understanding. But you know, I have a few issues with Jesus. I think He’s a little overrated. Which isn’t to say He isn’t cool. He was great, especially for His time. But I think more than a few improvements could definitely be made for Jesus 2: The Second Coming.

My main qualm with Jesus is that, for starters, I think he needs to upgrade to some more modern platforms. I can’t worship Jesus on my Xbox. What’s up with that? All sorts of retro stuff is on modern platforms. Would an HD release hurt so bad? Maybe a Bible reading app for the Nintendo Switch? I’m sure the tablet would work wonders as a virtual Bible.

Jesus is definitely a stronger protagonist than God from the first installment, he seems infinitely more enjoyable to immerse yourself in. But like, His moveset is a little weak. Turning people to pillars of salt and shit was badass, dude. If you were to tell me that Jesus was the main character of the sequel, it’s almost ridiculous to think they’re in the same series. It’s like going from Megaman X to Megaman. Which is a downgrade, you know. I think the third should definitely go back to the darker, grittier protagonist.

And you know, it wouldn’t be impossible to do, but I doubt they will. They keep hinting at Him coming back throughout His entire story, it’s like they’re practically forcing a sequel down our throat that we never even asked for. It’s like Teen Titans Go. No one wants it to come back, but somehow it just keeps happening. I blame the Catholics.

I think it may have something to do with the fractured fanbase. Kinda like Sonic the Hedgehog, you know? People just can’t agree on what direction to take it. Some people want that peaceful, happy Jesus stuff. But other people want that edgy stuff.

Now I also think this could be a prime time to really define Jesus’ character. Much like Sonic Adventure 2 leading into Shadow the Hedgehog. If we could get a standalone installment, only Jesus without any of those annoying followers and none of that healing bullshit, I think we could have a pretty great modern Jesus sequel.

Imagine, Jesus with no limits to His powers. No annoying story scenes or anything where it makes you lose a fight you could easily win but it doesn’t allow you to. Battles that you’re forced to lose are such an outdated concept. I want to see Jesus fuck up some Roman soldiers. Being forced to lose the final boss fight just for story purposes is unsatisfying, to say the least.

And the brutal difficulty is kind of a bitch. I mean, does literally everything have to trigger you to go down the evil path? What kind of broken karma system is that? I can’t even masturbate every once in a while without earning bad karma? It’s not even a real girl, it’s just a cartoon drawing. That can’t still count, can it?

Still, Jesus really delivers a powerful narrative, and deserves all of the accolades He has been bestowed. He truly is a timeless classic, and even if no sequel is ever developed, I’m sure people will all be digging up their Bibles to enjoy some Jesus for years and years to come. I can only imagine the clamor they would cause if they ever came out with a miniature Jesus Classic. That would be an instant hit over the holidays. Great stocking stuffer, you know? All of those classic Jesus adventures, all in the palm of your hand.

Come on, Nintendo. You’re sitting on a ton of money here. Re-release Jesus already. It’s all you ever do anyway, isn’t it? Re-release old shit? Come on. Bring back Jesus, Miyamoto. Or at least put him in the next Smash. If you can put Duck Hunt Dog as a character, at least go with some real retro shit and put Jesus in.