Kanye's New Stem Player Will Not Play Anything By Drake

by Lord Waffle King

The artist Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, puzzled and even enraged many of his fans when he announced Donda 2 would not be coming to YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, or any sort of streaming service. The only way to hear it will be on his own little gadget, which he's calling a Stem Player.

The curious device can split music into "stems", isolating certain parts, speeding them up, slowing them down, and more to create an interesting and unique listening experience. But one thing it can't do, apparently, is play anything by Drake. By choice. Yes, apparently, the Stem Player has been hardwired to reject anything and everything by Drake.

Using highly advanced AI technology, the Stem Player will block and delete anything by Drake that you try to play from it, and even if you were to somehow hack and force the player with some kind of exploit, the device is wired to explode if any vocals it recognizes as Drake's play from its speaker.

Cryptic messages from the STEM PLAYER website

This drastic decision, according to Ye, is because Drake is "the corniest rapper to ever walk the Earth" and "I don't want him around my daughters". When asked for comment, Ye asked us if we listened to Drake, and followed the question up with "Go find God". He refused to answer any other questions after this.

With that, it appears as if the Stem Player is actually the greatest music device ever invented. Hands down, it beats the iPod, or any kind of MP3 device, it beats every streaming service out there, I don't think there's been a device this based since the casette tape. Can you get Drake on a casette tape? I think you can technically get a blank one and put Drake on there. So still, this is an evolutionary jump in audio quality.

Kanye has secured my money, for sure. There's nothing I'd rather listen to my music on. I feel so much more safe and at ease knowing that I'm only receiving the highest quality audio from its potent little speaker. Even if it made high-pitched, nails on chalkboard screeching sounds at random intervals, it would still be worth it to never hear Drake.

Thank you, Kanye. Very cool.