Microsoft: "All Overwatch Characters Are Now Straight"

When Microsoft acquired Activision Blizzard, the fate of all of the IP they now own seemed up in the air. Would Nintendo and Sony platforms still get games like Call of Duty, Diablo, or Overwatch? Would they allow the studios to maintain their creative control over each franchise, or would there be some degree of corporate meddling that would alter these beloved characters and games in some way?

Microsoft has remained vague but reassuring, simply stating that all of the games would continue to release as scheduled. We all knew something was gonna change, and all we could do was wait for Xbox to drop the bombshell. And we got the first today. Everyone in Overwatch is now straight.

"What? They're gay? Why? I like the purple one. I've seen videos before of her on the internet, I don't think she's gay. I mean I think it's hot when girls kiss other girls, but like I've still seen what they get up to. You know what I'm talking about. The animations. Look, I'm just saying, I think everyone will appreciate this change. Everyone is straight, but the girls can still kiss each other. This is important. For the demographics." Phil Spencer was overheard muttering to some men in suits while riding the elevator down to the food court at my local mall. "Why would we make the characters gay? Isn't it more inclusive if they're normal but like kissing girls too, just because it's fun and nice to look at?"

"Everyone is now normal. Look, I'm making it official, I don't care. We're Xbox. We're about manly man games, with football and guns. Halo, Call of Duty, Madden. Why would you want them to be gay? What's wrong with you? PlayStation is the gay one, they have those gay cartoon games like Persona. We own it now, we get to make the rules. Everyone is normal, none of them are gay. Not even the monkey. Especially not the monkey. All the guys in this game are manly men who would be completely just fine grabbing a beer with Master Chief and the guys from Gears of War. And all the women like wearing dresses and the color pink and, you know. Whatever women like. That's what women like, right? Horses and stuff. Spending money. Shopping. Women do be shopping, am I right, fellas?" Phil Spencer muttered, sweating profusely.

He then asked if Microsoft now owned the rights to the animations he'd seen on the internet, and seemed gravely disappointed when he was informed that they were fan-made animations and not official.

I don't actually know which characters are gay in Overwatch, I don't really know any of their names actually. But I'm sure the handful of people that are still playing Overwatch will have some sort of reaction to this news. It could be positive or negative, or maybe neutral. I'm sure whoever is still playing Overwatch will feel some type of way about this. Or maybe not. I don't know.