New Pokémon Leaks Reveal Game Is For Children And You're Too Old For This Shit

Pokémon fans have been chimping out over the latest leaked screenshots of the highly anticipated Pokémon Scarlet and Violet games coming to the Nintendo Switch. The latest leaks, although incredibly hard to decipher anything from and quite possibly fake, seem to reveal that it's still Pokémon, and you've been playing these games way too long. Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Seriously.

How old are you? I'll give you a hint, too old for this. Too old to be chimping out over a game made for kids. Go read a book. Go talk to a girl. A real one, in the real world. I talk to girls all the time. Are you jealous? Yeah, I bet you are, nerd. I like to go out to the clubs and meet women, and we drink and smoke weed and have lots of sex. Real sex, I'm a real-life sex haver with women. I bet you wish you could do that, Pokémon boy. I have like three different girlfriends, and they're all also girlfriends with each other, and we all smoke weed and have sex together. All at the same time. The weed, and the sex, and the girls, all of them. It's crazy. I bet you don't even know where the vagina is. I'll give you a hint, nerd. It's not inside a "Poké Ball". Fricking idiot. All of my girlfriends are watching me write this right now, while they smoke weed and have sex with me, and we're all laughing at you. Loser.

I bet you still look forward to every Pokémon game, and you watch all the stupid trailers and you're excited for them. They're commercials, buddy. You're getting excited for commercials. And what do the commercials even tell you? What preteen girl you'll be wanking off to for the next year until they announce the next one? Start a family, idiot. I have a family. I have several. I have seven wives and twelve mansions. Three of the mansions are for my three weed-smoking, sex-having girlfriends, who are separate from my seven wives. I have fourteen children, with each wife, but not with my three girlfriends. Through the will of Allah, I am permitted to take as many wives as I am able to treat with justice. And I have twelve mansions so I could technically still take four more wives. I would leave one mansion for my three girlfriends.

Someone could leak the entire game on YouTube, and you know what? It wouldn't help your credit score. What's your credit score? I bet it sucks, just like you. Idiot. My credit score is so good I can take out a loan and buy another mansion. I could get a girlfriend, a fourth girlfriend, who would also smoke weed and have sex with my three other girlfriends, and me. I am always included, they don't have sex unless I am present. We don't use condoms because condoms are for losers, I cum inside all of them one after the other in succession, like I'm a baker filling pastries. I also do this with my wives, but it's harder because they all live in different mansions. Luckily, the mansions are all next to one another, so I simply cum inside one and run next door and cum inside the next immediately. I repeat this for all seven of my wives, and for my three girlfriends. This is why I have fourteen children with each of my wives, but not with my four girlfriends. I have four girlfriends now by the way. My four girlfriends take birth control so they don't each get pregnant with fourteen children just like my seven wives. Through the will of Allah I am permitted to have fourteen children with each of my seven wives as long as I can treat them with justice. I can do this because I have a good credit score and thirteen mansions. I have thirteen mansions now. I bet you're jealous, fricking idiot.

How long have you been working at your current job? Did they promote you yet? No, probably not, because you're a little Poké Ball baby. You're a little baby that plays with Poké Balls. You must like Poké Balls so much because they remind you of real balls and you're gay and like balls, because Poké Balls and regular balls are both "balls" and you like both of them. Idiot loser baby man. Go to the gym. Go drink a beer, and grill a steak. Idiot. Get a life.

I'm gonna go have sex with my three girlfriends now. I also just got a promotion at work. I'm the CEO, actually, but I promoted myself higher. I promoted myself and gave myself a raise, and all I had to do was fire a bunch of dumb idiot workers. Idiots.