Overwatch Gives Fan-Favorite Healer A Big Honking Penis

Overwatch, Blizzard’s popular online shooter, has had numerous updates, patches, and new content added since launch.

Many heroes have been changed. Many have been nerfed, buffed, or completely altered. But none have ever had their in-game model completely revamped. Not to this extent, at least.

The latest major update to the game will completely change Mercy, the popular angel milf healer, into an offensive hero with a massive dong.

In an exclusive interview with Jeff Kaplan, Overwatch’s game director, we got a little insight into why the big changes.

“I-I… I really, really like Mercy… She is so perfect… I want her to ravage me…” Kaplan started the interview, completely unannounced, in an awkward, spastic manner. Really, it wasn’t planned. I was in a Target restroom, and he just kinda came up to the urinal adjacent to mine. I didn’t even know it was him at first.

“I want Mercy’s delicate hands around my neck… I want her to ruin me. I want to suckle her big, perfect mommy milkies while she fills my insides with her love. That’s not weird, is it?” Kaplan asked, almost to himself, before zipping up his trousers and walking out of the restroom. He didn’t wash his hands.

The new Mercy will ditch healing completely, and now focus entirely on dishing out pain. With her engorged penis.

She will now play similar to Reinhardt, with a little Roadhog mixed in. Her primary will be a powerful melee, but she can also use her massive dong as a shotgun to blast people both up close and from a distance.

If this new update terrifies you as much as it turns you on, you’re in luck. After the current update, which is currently being tested on the PTR, similar updates are also planned for Mei, Symmetra, and Winston.

With this, Overwatch is just one step closer to finally being the perfect, balanced eSport we all deserve. I can’t wait to get my hands on Mercy’s new dong to give it a whirl for myself.