Pokémon Fans Outraged As Nintendo Makes Non-Charizard Related Announcement

Nintendo recently shook up the Pokémon formula with Pokémon Legends: Arceus, an installment that left many wondering if Pokémon would pursue this new direction with its main installments, or if it'd return to a more traditional Pokémon experience. Some love it, and some hate it, but overall it shows Nintendo is willing to get a bit more experimental with the formula.

But no one thought Nintendo would drop news so soon. And everyone is fucking pissed. Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet, the latest installments in the beloved Pokémon franchise, look horrible and bad and worse than every other Pokémon game ever made. And trust me, they've all been bad. There has never been a good Pokémon game. They're all shit. They're all fucking shit and everyone that made them should be hung.

This new game looks horrible and stupid. I remember when I was little I'd get home from school and boot up my Game Boy. I'd play my Pokémon until my mom yelled at me to do my homework. I always picked Charmander. I like Charmander.

When I was little I used to be so happy and I'd always play Pokémon. I was so happy when my Charmander evolved into Charizard. It was the happiest day of my life. My parents would take me out for pizza and I'd be glued to my Game Boy the whole night playing Pokémon with my Charizard. That was forty years ago. They're dead. I never even got to tell them how much I loved them. Every day, every night, all I cared about was that Charizard. Glued to that screen, all the time. Forty years came and went. I work in an office now. I never went to prom. I never experienced teenage love. All the things on TV that normal people experience (they all experience it exactly the same and it's completely normal and how it's supposed to be ideally) I never even got to try. And now it's too late. The happiest moments of my life are long past. I'll never feel the high that I felt when my Charmeleon evolved long ago.

I hate everyone that plays Pokémon. Every child that's experiencing that joy, joy I'll never feel again. It fills me with violent rage. I want them to stop making Pokémon games because they're all bad and horrible and none of these stupid kids could ever appreciate Charizard like I can. That experience is mine, it belongs to me. These kids can play Fortnite, stupid Fortnite that's stupid and for zoomers that are all dumb and stupid and not as smart as me and my old game that's better than every new game ever made. I hate Pokémon, I hate Nintendo, I hate games, I hate the future. I wanna go back to sucking on my mom's fat fucking milkers and playing my Game Boy and shitting my pants.

Nintendo can never give me those forty years back. And I want Pokémon to crash and burn. They did this to me. I want my life back. I want to start over, and never have played Pokémon. Please, God, kill me, put me out of my misery. I'll never have that first Charizard again, what's the point?

Life is so unfair.