President Biden Escalates Tensions With Russia After Being Unmatched On Tinder

Thousands of troops were moved to Ukraine's border over the past week, and even more are expected to be sent shortly, after a disappointing day of swiping through Tinder for President Biden.

"Listen here, Jack. I'm gettin' real tired... Real sick and tired. I'm the president, they shouldn't be allowed to talk to me this way. By golly, I'm about ready to march on down there and give them smart alecks a piece of my mind." Biden muttered angrily to himself, into the microphone at today's press conference. It was unclear who he was referring to at this particular moment. He kept swiping at his phone, and texting rapidly in short bursts.

Vladimir Putin has been upping the pressure at the Ukrainian border, performing military exercises and making bold advances on Ukrainian territory. He could invade at any moment, some say. When asked about how he may handle a worst case scenario, Biden responded, "These uppity little whores, who do they think they're foolin'? I'm the gosh dang president of the United States, these young kids just don't respect their seniors anymore. No, no, I- No, I don't wanna match with them, I want one a these Instagram girls. You know the kind. No, see, I'm the president. I should be able to match with whoever I want."

It wasn't until much later that someone informed Biden that he was not actually on Tinder, he was actually swiping through the settings on his phone, and somehow duplicated the "Phone" app at least eleven times. Some reports claim twelve. He'd even somehow managed to create a folder full of them, which sat adjacent the eleven other duplicated icons. The wallpaper on his phone had also been inexplicably changed to a close up of his forehead, but he did not know how this happened or who had taken the picture of him.

Biden claimed that there were clear signs of Russian interference in his phone settings and apps, and could not figure out how to redownload Tinder from the app store. No one had the heart to tell him he was actually banned off Tinder months ago after making egregious statements about how far down his testicles hang to an eighteen year old girl he'd attempted to solicit for sexual intercourse.

Vladimir Putin later revealed that he was that eighteen year old girl, and had baited Biden into making these statements and reported him to Tinder to get his account taken down on purpose.

World War III, while not immediately planned, is expected to go down at some point eventually. I'm not entirely sure what's going on, to be quite honest.