Republicans Push For "Temporary Legalized Slavery" For Social And Economic Woes

Desperate times call for desperate measures, apparently, as Republicans are now pushing to bring back a "controlled, temporary form of slavery" that would allow men to own "lesser individuals". The confusing and convoluted proposition would, allegedly, be a "multi-purpose solution" to the many problems ailing the country today.

"People today just have too many rights. It's getting kind of ridiculous. How are we supposed to function for the greater good of the nation if we're constantly walking on eggshells? People are suffering out there, and for what?" An open letter from the nation's Republicans insisted. "The working class is struggling, there's labor shortages, everyone is on edge, there's violence breaking out between different groups of people. I know what you're thinking, but this is necessary. We have too many TikTok influencers and not enough essential workers. Too many disabled, autistic, OnlyFans creators and not enough mothers or housewives. It's an epidemic!"

The solution, apparently? Dehumanizing and owning individuals that meet certain requirements, in a "safe, controlled, and humane way" and for a "temporary allotment of time, that would see reparations paid out to all involved" once the crisis to our nation has been averted.

The proposed guidelines for "ethical ownership" eligibility interestingly does not discriminate against any one group of people, but rather allows almost anyone to consensually own anyone if they really want. But those at the greatest risk of conscription, whether they like it or not, include the "mentally vulnerable". Anyone diagnosed with autism, anyone that identifies as "queer" or "transgender", any woman at all whether they are cis or trans. Especially single mothers. Although women can also own others, even men, provided the women are "married, with children, and in a certain tax bracket". Race plays no part in any of the guidelines, instead prioritizing anyone that "provides practical benefit" to the stability of the country. The proposition claims it will fix a myriad of issues. You want to take in more refugees? You, the citizen, can adopt one. Like a dog, from the shelter. The government isn't giving enough to society's most vulnerable? Then you do it. At least, that's what this controversial idea insists.

"We're seeing an increase in people that feel like they can't work, can't take care of themselves, don't have the support they need from the government. But the government can only do so much, and the country is struggling under the burden of these groups and individuals. But there are plenty of those who are well-off, who could provide support in exchange for whatever it is they need. Labor, a life partner, or even just companionship. You know, I myself have a... transgender in my family. She, they, they're a very fine young lady. Very pretty. Refuses to get a job. But you can't just marry them off these days. You know, back during the Roman Empire, certain rules were a lot more lax. They were humane, they had rights. Even if they were owned by other people." One senator, who wished to remain anonymous, weighed in on the proposition.

"Our working men need wives. Our mothers need husbands. The future needs children. The country is not sustainable unless we all work together." The letter concludes.

So, uh... Well THAT just happened. Erm... awkward.