Russia-Ukraine Conflict Actually Just Elaborate Call Of Duty Viral Marketing Stunt

Just as it seemed we were on the brink of world war and all of our lives were about to be drastically changed for the worse for the profit of the ruling class, the truth has come out. It was all just some silly marketing gimmick. No, it wasn't fake. People really died. All of those guns and jets and explosions, those were all real. Very real. But the truth of the matter is that it was all just some stunt to promote the next Call of Duty.

"It was just a crazy little idea we had, you know. Putin, Epstein and I were just chilling, having some drinks, Bill Clinton popped the question to me on what we were thinking for the next Call of Duty title. We decided to sexually harass some of the Activision Blizzard employees first. We're untouchable. If anyone complained, I could have them killed. You know. Anyway, we decided to stage a war, like an actual war, and then make a Call of Duty game about it. Nuts, right? Never been done before." Bobby Kotick explained, laughing with glee at the footage of Russian and Ukrainian soldiers locked in bloody, brutal combat.

The news came out after people on Twitter put the pieces together. Putin's incredible wealth, pieced together from the Panama Papers, along with the whole Trump story arc. Kotick being one of Epstein's connections, along with Clinton, Trump, and many others. Kotick was more than eager to talk about their secret ruling class schemes, since I put on a little goblin mask so that I'd look like one of his family members.

"We figured it'd be an absolute win. Ukrainians don't play Call of Duty, do they? Do people live in Ukraine? What's even in Ukraine? Never been there. So what if a few hundred or thousand people need to die? Lockheed Martin has never wronged us. It's a win all around. They get their money, we get our money, no one loses. Sure, the Ukrainian people maybe. But who cares about them? All of our people will be fine, and that's all we need to care about. We send some Americans off to war maybe, but what are they doing with their lives? Sitting around, consuming. They're like cattle to us. All of them. The Americans, the Ukrainians, the Russians. Hell, all of the Europeans that are probably going to die in this silly war. But you know what, whoever doesn't die on the frontlines, they're gonna buy the shit out of Call of Duty: World War III: Cold War." Kotick giggled with glee, his little goblin face contorted into inhuman expressions of mirth. He let his guard down and showed me his true goblin form, bending forward onto all fours and leaping about. He feasted on a whole, live hog during our meeting, and did not offer me so much as anything to drink.

"Mankind are like cattle, brainless herding animals. They'll do anything we tell them to do. Or anything we tell them not to do. They really are such simple creatures. Give them two choices, and they'll always pick one or the other, and they'll think they're so smart. They'll believe anything they see on TV or the internet. What a bunch of stupid flesh monkeys. They die, we live. Simple as." Kotick cackled, spawning a portal to hyperspace with his mind and disappearing into it, informally ending our important meeting.

I'm still racking my brain on where Jackie Chan fits into this, since he also was listed in the Panama Papers. I wonder if he ever went to Epstein's island. I wonder where the cut off is. Do I need to have a certain quantity of money or power? Or are they all part of the same alien race, disguising themselves as humans?

There are no real wars anymore. It's all a show. A show where you die, and they profit. Pre-order Call of Duty WWIII: Cold War now and receive exclusive Kalashnikov weapon skins.