Second Stimulus Bill Includes Millions In Gacha Microtransactions

COVID has devastated the economy and left many families in need, and yet legislators in Washington still can't seem to come to agreement on how to fix the situation.

Democrats and Republicans have been butting heads quite a bit on just how much money the good working class people of America will be getting, but they've come to unanimous agreement on where the money should go otherwise. Billions of dollars in aid for Israel and other countries are some of the things taxpayers can look forward to seeing their money used for, and if we're lucky a few crumbs may be tossed our way.

Where is all of the money going? What is so urgent and vital that the struggling families and workers that makes up our country are the last priority on the list? According to early drafts of the bill, anime titties. Big milky anime girl boobies with soft pink nipples and also squishy thighs and big fat dumptruck asses.

Inexplicably, the stimulus bill includes an absurd amount of money for mobile game microtransactions for individual senators, representatives, and other Washington figures all the way up to Donald Trump and Joe Biden themselves. It seemed as if they tried to sneak it through in fine print, but with the sheer amount of money they're pouring into these games there was no way that no one would notice. Can they even do that? I'm pretty sure they can't.

Joe Biden was immersed completely in what appeared to be Genshin Impact on his phone when we questioned him about the gross misuse of taxpayer dollars, attempting to get rare waifus from the game's gacha system. We were immediately escorted away by security, but we managed to overhear a completely unprovoked rant Biden very passionately delivered to his wife Jill.

"Listen here, Jack. Mona is the best girl, hands down. She is just beautiful, holy mackeral. Just look at her. Dear God. I want her so bad. You know what I tell my grandkids? You wanna look like that when you're older. You want to have that kind of body. And I look at them, you know. I look at them to see if they're maturing into fine young women like that. They aren't quite as beautiful as Mona though. No siree, you don't see girls like Mona around. Her skin is so milky white, I want to lick her from her toes all the way up, like a lollipop, you know. I wanna bounce her on my lap, and now I love when they bounce on my lap, and I wanna see her perky little tits jiggle like little pudding cups. And her ass, my God. You're gonna need a second garage to back that thing up into. She's just so cute and precious, and God she has beautiful eyes. Other than my mother this is the finest lady I have ever known."

The mobile game spending seems to be a completely bipartisan effort, and not one person in Washington seemed interested in having any of that money redistributed to American citizens. Senator Mitch McConnell seemed downright offended when asked if he thought we were spending too much on waifus, and was actually in favor of increasing the allocation of government spending because somehow, he still hasn't been able to pull any S-tier girls yet.

Once again, it seems the rich and powerful get to keep all of the waifus for themselves, and the working class Americans get to fight over the scraps of waifus they throw to us. Absolutely disgusting.

It's amazing how far their greed and arrogance goes, even after all of the many snafus of 2020. How much rioting, looting, and protesting will it take for them to see that the American people want anime titties too?