Researchers Create Self-Replicating "Xenobots", Living Robots That Suck At Smash Bros

Researchers stunned the world when they announced their next big achievement in science, unveiling what sounded to most like man-made horrors beyond their comprehension. Tiny, self-replicating nanobots that are highly sophisticated and capable of reproducing on their own. However, news of this technological marvel has been grossly overexaggerated.

I, for one, am unimpressed with this so-called "revolutionary creation". The scientific prowess of these little things is overblown, and I don't see the big deal. I beat them in Smash Bros like ten times and they couldn't even beat me once. I put the controller in their little petri dish and I three stocked them every time. They didn't even know how to move or jump or do a neutral air.

These things actually suck and aren't cool or interesting at all. In fact, I would say they're a step back. The CPU in Smash can be set up to a "Level 9" difficulty, and that can at least fight back. But these things are weaker than a "Level 1" CPU, making them actually the weakest and least powerful technology I have ever seen.

I beat them 1v1, on Final Destination with no items, and it was easy. I said "Wow, you guys suck" I said that to them, right to their little nanobot faces. Then I pushed their petri dish over onto the floor and it broke and I laughed at them, and I said "Get good, noobs!" I really said that to them, and I laughed and laughed. I told them how dumb they were to try and challenge me, a total pro level Smash Bros player, and said they were the dumbest invention I'd ever seen and that they may as well just give up.

The xenobots didn't even have any kind of comeback. They had nothing to say. Not even a peep. They're really the worst, aren't they? Just so weak and dumb and not even a little bit smart at all. I bet my dog is smarter, he can press a button.

Scientists think they can play God and do whatever they want, but you know they can't recreate the true perfection of God's creation. Science couldn't put over 80 playable characters in one action-packed party fighting game. Only God can do that. And clearly the way that God intended it to be played was by one to eight players locally or online with your friends or with strangers all over the world.

Not with nanobots. Fuck you, nanobots. We don't need you. How about you go replicate yourselves and stop trying to act like you're some big thing that's gonna cause the end of mankind as we know it. My balls are more advanced than you. Bitch.