Ubisoft Confirms New Assassin's Creed Will Suck This Year Too

Assassin's Creed fans have been eagerly awaiting the next installment in the Assassin's Creed franchise, desperate for any bit of news from Ubisoft on what the newest title might include. And their prayers have finally been answered.

Ubisoft has announced that the new Assassin's Creed game for this year will suck, really bad. Honoring the long-time tradition of all Assassin's Creed games to suck, Ubisoft has promised that this newest Assassin's Creed will suck extra fat Pringles can-girth dick. It's going to suck dense, juicy, watermelon-sized North Pacific right whale balls. Those are the largest balls ever recorded.

"We want to ensure the optimal Assassin's Creed experience for all of the hardcore Assassin's Creed fans out there, so we've made sure the game sucks extra floppy double girth 2-liter of Mountain Dew dick with extra juicy elephant balls. For the discerning Assassin's Creed veteran, we've made sure the game sucked not just big time dick, but also cock and balls. The newest Assassin's Creed will be the greatest of all time, sucking more juicy red dog dick than a white girl from the suburbs. More than three dicks at once, quite possibly reaching up to five or six dicks in one mouth and two in each hand."

Assassin's Creed fans went apeshit at the announcement, promptly pissing and shitting and cumming all over their decrepit sewer dwellings, climbing up to the surface to party in the streets. Clawing their way out of their manholes to shit and piss all over the hot asphalt, running through the streets on all fours leaving trails of pungent excrement in their wake, letting the stew of shit and cum cook in the sun before licking it right off the pavement and shitting it out again.

The new Assassin's Creed will launch this holiday season.