BREAKING: Dr. Mario Finds Red-Yellow Pill Cures COVID-19

The fight against COVID-19 is finally over, as leading expert Doctor Mario Mario has discovered the exact formula for the vaccine. A pill that is one half red, one half yellow.

"Ya, wah, yahoo! Wah hah! Let's-a-go!" Doctor Mario exclaimed ecstatically in an official press interview, his associate Doctor Luigi Mario at his side.

"Yeah! Luigi time! Oh yeah! Yahoo!" Doctor Luigi chimed in, before chucking a comically oversized pill into the face of a frail, elderly COVID patient.

All of the patient's bones immediately shattered at the force of the impact, and he died in seconds, freeing up a respirator for a new patient. While he may have died, his body was actually completely free of COVID at the time of death, and the coroner was forced to rule the death non-COVID related, despite how much extra funding the hospital would've gotten if he had died of COVID.

Some question whether the old man, who was simply a part of the audience, even had COVID to begin with. Experts have ruled the cure a complete and utter success, however, and have written off any naysayers as Chinese spies. We can now finally reopen our economy completely, and I can go back to day-drinking and getting the cops called on me at Hooters.

Bill Gates had no comment to make on the development of this new vaccine.