Guys, I got some bad news. We’re all probably gonna die. Or something. This is serious.
2016 was a rocky time for our world, but it also saw many great things happen. Things that, like history, should stay in the past where they belong. The Fallen Ape, the Rise of the Green Unicycle Men, the discovery of the lost porous creatures of prehistoric origin. And who could forget The Great War of the Three, which ultimately lead to the decisive victory of the Angery Frog Boys and their beloved Grand Talking Yam.
I think we can all agree that it was a trying time. It was the year I had my first Baconator, and things just haven’t been the same since. And while I, like many, would love to put it all behind us, the ones that profited off our struggles would have us relive those dark days. Because hey, it’s better than 2017.
Pokemon Go has received a steady drip-feed of updates since launch, nothing too major, mostly minor text fixes. But people have been waiting for some major updates for a long time now. Like, all the things they promised us? PvP, trading, legendary Pokemon? Anything?
Well, guess what. It’s finally all coming, one entire year later. In an interview with some site I can’t read because I don’t speak Pokemon, Niantic confirmed that a major update is planned for the summer, including PvP, legendary Pokemon, and more. You can read a translated version of the interview here.
“We know a lot of people have fond memories of the first few weeks of Pokemon Go. It was a crazy, wild time. Like the pioneers exploring the West. We want to bring back this feeling, as much as possible. And that’s why, we’ve decided that we’ll simply relive those glory days. All of us, forever.” Niantic stated in our interview, in a chillingly calm tone.
“We will Pokemon Go back to 2016 as many times as it is necessary, using Google’s extensive technology and knowledge of the ancient tongue, we will combine the powers of Man and God alike to create a true heaven on earth, a new Garden of Eden. But with Pokemon.” Niantic monks chanted in the background, their hoods decorated with the Google logo. “In one of these timelines, Pokemon Go will get the PvP on time. They will get the trading and legendary Pokemon on time. No one will ever put down Pokemon Go, and we will usher in a brand new age.”
I was shown a great orb that was pulsing with power, and was instructed to hold my hand gently against it. When I did, I could feel it. Pokemon Go, inside of me. It was a spiritual moment. I could feel it, a powerful love. But it also filled me with a great fear. I dropped to my knees before the orb, and was immediately escorted away by the monks to a different room, where there was a machine. But it looked to be sculpted not of metals or glass, but of flesh and energy. An abomination of Man, Machine, and God. An engine capable of tapping into the flow of time itself, and screeching our existence to a halt, to live blissfully in this moment forever.
It was at this time that I began to wake up from their attempted indoctrination, and fled from the saccharine embrace of the monks. I smashed the orb, from which a gorilla made of smoke awoke. It let out a powerful roar, the monks trembling. “You fool, what have you done?!” they all shrieked. I didn’t stick around long after. I didn’t want to know what would happen. I grabbed one of the unicycles lined up against the wall and booked it for the exit. Behind me, I could hear the gorilla’s deep, fatherly grunt. “Thank you, My son. Thank you for freeing Me.”
So yeah, Pokemon Go will be getting a new update in the summer. I hope you’re all excited. Maybe it’ll be like a big deal again. Who knows.