With the Nintendo Switch on the horizon, we’re gonna need some games. That’s the most important part of any new console launch, games. Nintendo fans might think otherwise, given how most of their consoles have launched recently. But trust me, you’re supposed to launch with games. It’s just something that happens, they just kind of come out naturally.

But a game has been announced for the Nintendo Switch already, and everyone has been very excited. Can you believe that? One whole game is coming to the Switch. And the developer? They want it on the Switch. They’re not even being paid by Nintendo to put it on there. It almost seems like a prank. They’re not gonna, like, pretend they’re making a game for the Switch and then it turns out the box is actually full of anthrax, are they?

It’s more likely than you think.

A very nice, generous man from France or something has a very nice idea for a game. It’s called The Last Guardian. You’re a boy, running around doing nothing with your stupid dog thing. It’s going to be in development forever and then just not come out.

It’s based off a book, which is apparently about a boy with autism that can talk to his dog through psychic powers. Which, I don’t know about you, but that sounds to me like game of the year. The Nintendo Switch’s killer app. When is psychic autism boy gonna be confirmed for Smash? Lucas doesn’t count.

It looks very pretty, trust me. You can go ahead and watch the trailer with its totally not stock Unreal Engine assets and very smooth, professional animation. This is not a scam.

This is going to be the Nintendo Switch’s killer app, so can you please send money? We’re gonna do a Kickstarter, send us lots of money, come on. Send nudes, send nudes over Kickstarter. Games require money and motivation.

You know how Nintendo said there would be a big announcement for the Switch in January? And how all of the developers are also being very secretive with their Switch games? Nothing official has really been announced yet. But this guy just decided to announce his very own Nintendo Switch exclusive. It’s also currently running on PC, not even a Nintendo dev kit.

And you know, if he actually had a dev kit, he’d also be bound by the NDA, so he wouldn’t even be able to start announcing things. But like, that’s not a big deal, right? Come on guys, we’re getting one whole game. One whole game, from this developer that has no dev kit, has a shitty-looking trailer, and according to our sources that I can’t even read because I don’t speak croissant, this guy is a fucking joke.

But it’s okay guys, come on, Nintendo Switch is getting their first exclusive. We need to band together as a community to send them one billion dollars. Enough for him to achieve his perfect, artistic vision of this book he read. It’s gonna be great. This will be the game people buy a Switch for.

Don’t worry guys, you won’t be disappointed one bit. He’s gonna have a Kickstarter to get a billion dollars, and if the game ever comes out, everyone is gonna hate on it just because it’s a Switch exclusive. But all of the real Nintendo fans will know that it’s a real masterpiece. Remember Devil’s Third? A real masterpiece. This is going to be Devil’s Fourth. Just you wait. We’ll show them. We’ll show them all that Nintendo can get great exclusives.