Facebook has been having a hard time lately. Everything seems to be on fire. One scandal after another, their users fleeing to newer social media sites, their desperate attempts to assure whatever users they have left that they’re not stalking them in every conceivable way to mine their precious personal info, and of course the crusade against Mark Zuckerburg himself.

Some feel that Marky Z is unfit to lead Facebook. Some fear that the direction he’s taking the site, with its predatory approach to their users, is actively killing their business. But they’re still trying. They have multiple large tech projects in the works to bolster their business, the first being the Facebook Portal which launched on November 8th. Their newest tech device, though, looks to make an even larger splash.

“Here at Facebook, we like to partake in amusement and revelry” Mark Zuckerburg began his presentation, each of his eyes moving independently to scan the audience. “We wish to join in this merrymaking with our new Recreation Hexahedron. This solid figure with six plane faces contains components to read data off of the storage devices your people call the ‘Blue Rays’. On these storage devices, there will be images, sounds, and video that may be electronically manipulated to produce pure elation.”


Zuckerburg did not blink, walking from one end of the stage to the other. His lips curled into a static smile every few minutes, before returning to its blank, emotionless starting position. “All the Hexahedron will command in return is regular retina and infrared iris scans, blood samples, and fingerprint input via the included control apparatus. The Hexahedron comes equipped with powerful smart cameras, and will be able to recognize members of your family unit when they are partaking in the festivities of the Hexahedron. It will not listen to your private conversations and send those recordings to Facebook for data analysis to better understand human specimens of our experiments. We will not use your DNA, likeness, or digitally reconstructed personality information to create anything.”

“The Hexahedron will display messages from our sponsored corporate human brethren at regular intervals, and will be the cause of much happiness. The messages displayed which will correlate to the activities and products which the consumer shows interest in will not draw from information we collect from the family unit’s behaviors, conversations, appetite, hormonal balance, blood sugar levels, sleeping patterns, or perceived desires from the digitally reconstructed human consciousness stored within our servers.” Zuckerburg reassured us, his tone rising and falling just slightly off while he spoke, as if speaking in some unknown dialect.

We were curious what kind of games might be launching with Facebook’s new console, so we asked what they currently had in development for it. Zuckerburg grew silent at this question, his lips still curling into a smile at timed intervals as if he was still speaking. After a roughly ten minute pause, he responded “The Recreation Hexahedron will deliver purest amusement for the purpose of producing the sensation of happiness within the human consumer.” I wasn’t quite sure if he was implying that the console itself was the game, or if perhaps the games were a higher concept which could not be comprehended. The statement itself made no sense. But when I asked him to elaborate some more, he repeated the statement, this time with added emphasis on the word “happiness”. He smiled after, this one seeming to be a conscious effort, as he held it for the twenty minutes the room was silent.

There is currently no release date for Facebook’s “Hexahedron” console. Zuckerburg did not seem like he was capable of answering any further questions, and all of the Facebook representatives we reached out to could only reply with “It is coming”, each of them oddly speaking in the same voice and tone. It could be described as monotone and lifeless, yet at the same time, both terrified and aroused.

Considering that Facebook also owns Oculus, this could easily shape up to be an interesting console, though it remains to be seen what Facebook puts out for it. With all of their money and vast internet presence, along with the flourishing PC market as it begins to converge with the console market, this coming generation may see one of the big three wiped right off the map.

All we know right now, is that it’s coming. It is coming, and the world will never be the same.