Many will be relieved to hear that Ross from Friends is going to be damned for all eternity. This is truly a glorious day for everyone. All of mankind. All of the universe. All of creation, even. Ross from Friends will be damned for all eternity, to suffer in the darkness, writhing in agony while he's tortured by the demons of Hell. Ross from Friends is going to burn forever in the depths of Hades. Amen.

"It was unanimous, across the board." Saint Gabriel the Archangel agreed, upon the official announcement being made. "Everyone. Even Jerahmeel. Not one soul in Heaven felt a moment of hesitation. As soon as it was even brought up, there was a telling silence that spread across the infinite expanses of the heavenly realm. We all knew. We figured everyone else felt the same way. There was a brief moment where everyone was like, we all agree, right? None of us actually feel differently... right? It was like, yeah. We don't want him up here. Keep him out. You know? Cast him into the bottomless pit."

Ross from Friends will be banished to a realm of emptiness, separated from God's love. There will be no mercy for his soul, in this life or the next.

Pictured: Ross wailing in sorrow after being cast into the fire and brimstone.

Saint Michael the Archangel did not cite any particular reason for Ross' damnation. There were no standalone sins that ultimately doomed him. And yet, I don't think anyone would disagree with how overwhelmingly deserved this is. Ross will remain within the depths of Hell forever, all eternity, into the ages of ages. And this is comforting for many. Imagine living a good and righteous life, you make it into Paradise, and boom. Ross is right there. Right? Like, come on. Ross? I think that kind of makes Paradise into, you know. Not Paradise. Imagine Ross just standing there with that stupid look on his face. Kind of makes you angry, doesn't it? Like, how are we supposed to enjoy our eternal reward if he's there? What's God gonna do, put Ross somewhere in Paradise where he's not near anyone else? It's just kind of ridiculous. I don't think God even wants to be near Ross.

It's yet to be confirmed if the rest of the cast of Friends will also be cast into the bottomless pit, or if any of them will make it into Paradise. I think some of them are probably alright. Sure, I feel like I could punch a hole through each of their chests whenever I wake up at 4am and they're playing re-runs of that show for some fucking reason on whatever forsaken channel is playing. Imagine waking up and it's Friends playing and not like a Magic Bullet infomercial. Remember those? That was quality television. But yeah, some of them are probably fine.

Ross will be eternally damned to the lowest depths of Hell for all eternity, into the ages of ages. So if you're like a small time sinner, you might get lucky and never have to bump into him. But if you're like a murderer or pedophile or something, you might wanna try and get that karma up. Earn some forgiveness. You could volunteer at like a soup kitchen or something.