The mobile market has long eluded Nintendo. First Mario would never be on iPhones. Then Mario was on iPhones. It wasn’t exactly worth the wait. They made a meme generator too. The results were all over the place.

It’s been a learning experience for everyone. They didn’t quite understand the finer points of what mobile gamers really want the first few times around. But they’ve wised up now. They got you, fam.

People don’t play shit like Angry Birds or Temple Run anymore. Old memes. It’s all about thick anime bitches now.


Millenials are all about multitasking. When they sit on the toilet and whip out their phones, they’re looking for a robust experience. With big tiddies, and little girls that are actually centuries old to masturbate to.

If I can’t take a shit and jerk off while playing a video game at the same time in current year, what even is the point to being alive? I may as well move out to fucking Utah and start wrangling cattle to stick my dick in or whatever the fuck they do there. Like a third-world fucking country.

Nintendo wised up though. They’re living in the present now, not in 19-fucking-who gives a shit. Now they got that good shit.

Anime girl fight

Fire Emblem Heroes is their first good mobile game. Their first mobile game that anyone gives two shits about. Maybe three. Maybe more. The sky is the limit for how many shits people will give for Fire Emblem Heroes. The fucking sky.

Anyone that’s played Fire Emblem will find the mechanics familiar. Grid-based, turn-based tactical RPG combat. Now with easy touch controls, so even your grandpa can figure it out. Grandma is fucking dead, so do grandpa a solid and show him this game so he can spend retirement busting fat loads on anime girls.

The catch to Heroes though, is that you don’t start with an army of girls. You need to earn them all, the hard way. With your real-world cash. The premium currency, Orbs, can be redeemed for a random pick from the anime girl lottery. If you’re lucky, you’ll get one old enough to be your mom. Or one barely old enough to call you mom. If that’s what you’re into. It’s all up to luck.

It's called chloroform

From a game standpoint, Heroes is not half bad. Especially for a mobile game. It really shrinks down the real Fire Emblem experience right on to your phone. There’s a whole story mode and everything, and all sorts of side quests and daily missions to tackle.

An impressive amount of work has been put into the presentation, with full portrait art and voice work done for each and every hero. Even the ones no one cares about, like the old guy that isn’t even an anime girl.

The only real issue I’d ever run into was the amount of content readily available for playing. Instead of hitting a paywall right away, the first thing I really hit was a “is that it, am I done?” wall. An issue they’ve been working to fix, with constant events and updates with special anime girls always dangling tantalizingly over your wallet. But it has happened enough on occasion to be noticeable.

Like chess, but with anime

The genius of Fire Emblem Heroes, however, is in its business model. Paying for Orbs to get different anime girls is never really required. A workable amount can be earned through gameplay and daily bonuses.

And yet people will blow hundreds of dollars on it anyways. Just because they want some tiddies. People will genuinely blow real 3D money just to get some 2D anime bitches.

No one pays for porn anymore, but these weebs are out here paying upwards of $74.99 for some anime shit. Not even naked or anything, just fully and/or partially clothed anime bitches. No nipple or anything.

So while, for the most part, everyone gets to enjoy this great, technically free game, the entire thing is funded by fucking weebs. And really, that’s the economic model all countries should be adopting. Fuck communism, man. Everything should be free, and funded by fucking weebs paying for anime shit. There is no downside to it at all. Anime is already a huge fucking market, man. And these weebs don’t care. They’ll spend a hundred bucks on the chance to get their 8 year old cartoon wife.

All taxes will be in the form of anime loot boxes, and will all be completely optional. No one will have to pay them, but all those weebs will be lining up just to get some anime shit.

Don’t worry, guys. I solved capitalism. I’m gonna start writing my letter to the U.N. right now.