John S. McCain, Vietnam war veteran and former presidential candidate, passed recently at the ripe old age of 81. He had been battling an aggressive form of cancer, and the cancer had finally won over him.

While there’s been an outpouring of support from every side of American politics since, there are now reports that a heart container had appeared after the senator’s passing.

The matter became increasingly apparent at the memorial service, when the glowing light and revolving heart container simply sat in the background while people paid their respects.

What is that light? Where does it lead?

While much of the grieving McCain family declined to comment on who will be getting the heart container, we were able to get a few words from the senator’s wife and daughter. The former senator’s wife Cindy told us “John would have wanted it to be donated to our troops. They will definitely need the extra heart container, for when we bomb Canceristan and get revenge for what they did to John.”

“I personally believe that the heart container should go to me, since I have inherited his crown. And as the new president of America, after we bomb those Canceristanis off the map, we’ll bomb Allah too and stop terrorism once and for all.” John McCain’s daughter Meghan added. When our reporter attempted to explain that American politics didn’t quite work that way, and that McCain was never actually president, Meghan called upon her mother to bomb us as well.

As we finished up our interviews, John McCain’s son James was caught playing a Nintendo 3DS by his mother, whom promptly smacked it out of his hands and scolded him for “playing with those damn gook machines again”. They declined any further questions.

Our respect and condolences go out to the McCain family for their loss.