In an official statement from the White House today, President Donald Trump addressed the nation with a new COVID-19 update, stating that America's top scientists had finally found a true cure to the devastating virus.
After months of intensive research, Trump confirmed that injecting Red Lobster's Cheddar Bay Biscuits completely cured all symptoms of COVID-19 and removed all traces of the virus from the human body. It just works.
"It's just science. Nothing can resist the legendary flavor of Red Lobster's signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits. The warm, buttery, cheesy goodness in every bite is a pure, holy good that vanquishes any evil. Just one biscuit, served fresh from our kitchens to your table, is enough to purge COVID-19 from your entire body. And our chefs are working day and night to make sure every table in America gets to enjoy basket after basket of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits." leading expert Anthony Fauci said in an official press conference.
Trump immediately signed a $3 trillion bill to buy up every Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit in the world. House Democrats have started drafting up a bill to drone strike brown people overseas to ensure our biscuit supply is secured. The bill will no doubt pass without any arguments from either party.
The nightmare is almost over. COVID-19 is cured.