Football is a major American sport and a multi-billion dollar industry. Players make more money than I’ll ever make, even though I should be making billions doing the essential job of reporting on real video game news.

But American football dwarfs in comparison to real football. The original football. The one that’s played all over the globe. “Soccer”, as we call it. But outside the United States, it’s referred to as “futbol”. That’s Spanish for football.

This is the real football. This is how it’s really played.


This is an authentic futbol game, as it’s played overseas. It’s also incredibly popular in Mexico and South America, but down there it’s a blood sport.

“Futbol” is a sports game available on all of the major home platforms. Xbox One, PS4, and PC. Unlike American football, futbol is a lot more hectic. Instead of ripped dudes chasing each other around and reaching between each other’s legs to grab their balls, futbol requires piloting Brazilians across a field and using them to push the ball into the goal to score.

Futbol is widely recognized as an eSport, Olympic sport, and something that cool people with friends usually play. I’m not really an expert on sports, I always brought my Game Boy to gym class and the other boys would try to touch my penis when I was changing. I don’t think that’s a part of futbol. Maybe American football, but not futbol.

my favorite team

I’m kind of a pro futbol player. Really big deal. It’s like my Brazilian and I are one when we play. We can feel each other’s thoughts and act in perfect sync. My team and I, the Pigeonfuckers, we’re kind of a thing. Big sports team. Major league.

Anyone can play futbol. Not everyone can be a real pro like me, but anyone can get into it. And that’s the real beauty of it. Futbol is like the Super Smash Bros of sports games. It’s over the top, high octane, and above all fun at every level of play. From playing it together with a couple of your bros to high level pro futbol at the Olympics, it’s a satisfying and well-made experience.

Quick matches and accessibility work to futbol’s advantage, allowing anyone to enjoy the stupid fun of knocking Brazilians around, while the focus on skill and teamwork leave room for the competitive scene to flourish. It’s a simple concept that’s executed perfectly, justifying the fact that it’s the most popular sport all over the world. There’s a reason why the trade of professionally bred Brazilians is a trillion dollar industry.

hole in one

Like any addicting multiplayer game, futbol nails you with all of the extra collectible cosmetic microtransactions. You can fully customize your Brazilian with different bodies, hats, and other junk. A dangerous gateway to gambling, but not the shadiest that goes on in a typical futbol league.

In South American futbol, things are often lit on fire or tipped over, though the same base mechanics are at play. It’s a bit more like cockfighting. Only one team of Brazilians ever makes it out alive. If that. Sometimes not even a whole team. The South American spin-off is illegal in most other countries, but it’s a thriving industry down there.

Regardless of the occasionally seedy background, futbol is a great time. It’s amazing to think that real futbol could be such a huge industry outside America, but here we couldn’t care less for it. It’s a shame, really. It’s a much more elegant sport, for a more civilized age. Running around grabbing balls and spanking each other might appeal more to the lowbrow crowd, but it’s far from the art that is futbol.

I’m also better at futbol than football, and people that are good at football are stupid and don’t even deserve to have my lunch money. While they’re at the gym working out their body for football, I’m at the library. Working out my mind for futbol. I’ll show them who’s the real faggot one day.


Futbol manages to bring so many people together of all different kinds, if you still haven’t played a game of authentic futbol you really are missing out. Even if the professional scene isn’t for you, just hanging out and playing with your bros is a great time. It might not be the best experience all by yourself, but like I said, only cool people with friends play futbol anyway.

Some people spend all of their lives training for futbol. It’s not just a game to some people. It’s destiny. For you to not play it, that’d be like a slap in the face to all of the people that dedicate every ounce of their being to the game. It’s serious business, futbol. It’s not like football at all. The stakes are higher.

I can only hope that someday America grows wise to what a sham football is, and that someday we’ll evolve and learn to play futbol like the rest of the world. Just like the metric system. And shitting in the street. We are so behind as a civilization, and it just makes me sick.