Breaking news, guys. Got some important stuff, hot off the presses. There’s a video game too hard for someone. Quick, someone. Call an adult. We need help here.

Wednesday, March 22nd at 1:30pm, a writer at infamous fake news website Kotaku wrote a very heartfelt “news article” about how hard a particular mission was in Zelda.


Mr. Kotaku Fake Journalism Man goes on to list his many gripes with this particular mission. It’s too hard. He messed up too many times. It took way too long, and it was just very bad. Just the worst, and it took him over half an hour. Maybe more. He was very upset.

Upon reading this, I realized, hey, I’m also just entering this same part of the game in my Zelda playthrough. It just so happened, you know. A real coincidence. I was just exploring and boom. Forest. Right out of nowhere. So I figured, hey, let’s try out this really bad mission. Just to see what the big deal is, you know? May as well get it out of the way.

And I finished it. And to my surprise? It wasn’t even that bad. Maybe I was just better prepared for it? Maybe I was just better at it? Or… could it be… Kotaku, infamous fake news website, wrote another FAKE NEWS ARTICLE?????????

Hey, that's pretty good

The mission in question is a simple stealth mission. While not traditionally a stealth genre, Breath of the Wild actually features quite a bit of stealth options. Enemies can be stealth-killed, and you almost always have options to sneak away from enemies while exploring. So stealth isn’t something foreign to this game.

You follow this little green bitch through the forest, careful not to get caught. He leads you to a shrine. It’s a simple mission. Gonna say it probably took me about 5 to 10 minutes total, counting the two times I got caught. My bad. Whoops. Everyone makes mistakes.

The journalism man notes a number of flaws in the design of this mission. You can’t stray too far from the path, otherwise you get lost. You can’t get too close to the little green bitch because he’ll notice you, he blends in with the environment, and he also has some very strong views on immigration. Very bad flaws. But watch this.

Fake news alarm

Look how close I could get to this bitch. Like that close. I could lock onto him. You see that? So close. And all you gotta do, for the most part, is follow him in a straight line. You don’t need to stay a mile behind him. It’s common sense not to be directly behind him the entire time, but like, what the fuck. Kotaku is spreading fake news again.

The mission isn’t too hard at all. You just follow the little guy. If you pay attention to what he’s doing, it’s not hard. At one point, some tree branches fall down. He strays off the path to go investigate, and then returns to the path. He does, in fact, turn around and walk towards you at that point. But that’s not a problem, because there’s easy cover everywhere.

Uhhhh, hello? Trees and shit?

It’s a forest. Bitch, there’s trees. There’s trees all over. And is that guy so hard to spot? I don’t think he is. Maybe in a still picture, but when he’s waddling around? He’s really not. If you let him get too far, yeah. But if you get too close, the cursor automatically moves around him and like it shows where he is? It’s really not that hard. Unless maybe the fake news man needs new glasses? Maybe, just maybe, all of the fake news they’ve created have clouded their minds from the truth.

It does throw a couple curve balls at you with him suddenly getting scared and running toward you, and a wolf attacking. But like, that’s two things. Not several things that would cause someone to be stuck on a mission for almost an hour. It’s not a very long mission either. It takes a couple minutes to go through the course without messing up.

This guy is just really bad at games. That’s really all it boils down to. He just fucking sucks. Like, how can you be a real video game journalist, like me, and not be good at games? That’s like being a news reporter and being very bad at news. And you just write a whole article about how you’re bad at games? Where’s the ethics in video game journalism in that? There are none. I’ll tell you what. This man has no ethics in video game journalism. At all.

This is just all one big smear campaign, to try and mar the good name of the little green forest dude. Just because he’s green? Really, Kotaku? He’s just on his pilgrimage. It’s a part of his culture. The forest people are a religion of peace.

He might be like, an off-green color. He looks more like tree bark than a leaf. But you’re gonna discriminate against him because he’s not green-passing? That’s still racist, no matter what you think about green people being incapable of racism.

This is just another example of fake news sites sensationalizing something small like this, just to make a major article out of nothing. No, the forest people are not secretly terrorists, just because they fly everyone on their little pilgrimages. No, this particular forest person is not out to get you. He’s on his pilgrimage. And I’m sick and tired of all of these stereotypes dictating how you look at people.

The only reason this article was written was because Kotaku loves spreading fake news to delegitimize the forest people. It’s all to fit their sick agenda. Fake news like this should not be allowed, and I would request that everyone please report Kotaku’s articles to your parent or guardian as fake news so that someone can throw them all in jail already.

Journalism is a form of art. Not your tool to manipulate and control, Kotaku. And I refuse to stand for it.