What the fuck, Nintendo? What the actual fuck? What the fuck did you think you were fucking doing? Do you think this is some kind of fucking game? Your fucking business is on the line here you rice-ass mother fuckers.

What is this? What the fuck do you call this?

You didn’t have a hard job. Announce Zelda. Announce Mario. Announce Mario Kart and Super Smash ports. Maybe sprinkle a little more in. Third party support. Give us the price point. A reasonable one. And you’re in. You did it.

And they did that. Kind of. They got the Zelda and the Mario. The rest of the games are kind of in there too. For the most part. But what the fuck is this shit?

I hate it

What’s this hipster-ass bullshit? Is this what we’ll be playing on our fucking rooftops when we’re at our little hipster get-togethers on top of random people’s fucking apartments? You know, like all the young folk do, just hanging out on top of a fucking apartment rooftop in the middle of the city, playing the Nintendo Switch.

1-2 Switch, one of the Switch’s few currently known launch titles, is a game about not looking at the TV. And quite frankly, I don’t want to look at any TV where this game is playing. I don’t want to look at this game. I don’t want it near me. Keep it away from me. I don’t like it.

This was the shit Nintendo opened up their conference with. This game, and some fucking demonstration about a glass of water with ice cubes in it. I don’t know, I guess there’s ice inside the new Wii remotes or something, I don’t really get it. There’s ice in the controllers, they run on ice cubes I guess. I don’t fucking know.

They opened up with a bunch of waggle games, and they kept me waiting. They kept me fucking waiting, and then they announced the real games. Super Mario, Splatoon, Xenoblade, Dragon Quest, a bunch of other RPG’s, a Fire Emblem Warriors game, a whole lot of stuff. But they had to open with fucking 1-2 Switch. They started on their weakest fucking note. And it’s not even a fucking pack-in title, apparently. Who’s gonna buy that shit? No one. No one is gonna buy that shit.

No one is gonna say “hey guys, you wanna play some 1-2 Switch, I brought my Nintendo Switch over”, that’s fucking gay. You know who says shit like that, the hipster-ass mother fuckers in the fucking trailer and promotional art. Nintendo is replacing Miis with hipsters. Everyone gets their own hipster avatar now.

And then there’s the fucking Arms game?

That’ll make for some interesting Rule 34 at least, but it’s all waggle controlled? There’s no real controls to it? I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. Don’t do that, Nintendo. Stop it. Right now.

It looks stupid. It looks like Overwatch, but with arms. Arms instead of butts. And I don’t have an arm fetish. You can’t really fuck arms. Some people, they have an armpit fetish. Some people like to fuck armpits. I’m not one of them. I don’t like armpits. They’re stinky and bad. I don’t like them.

It’s not even a launch game either, I don’t think. They didn’t say “launch”, they said “Spring 2017”. Who’s gonna want to buy this shit? The Wii died years ago. We’re two consoles ahead of it now. We’re on the Nintendo Switch now, not the Wii. You can’t just turn in a Wii game and call it a Switch game. This is garbage.

Not to mention the false advertising.

Where are my arms?

“Subscribe for more arms”. I subscribed. But I don’t have any more arms.

Am I supposed to grow them? Are they gonna be mailed to me? Where are my arms, Nintendo? If I don’t get them soon I swear to God I will unsubscribe. Don’t make me do it, Nintendo. Give me my arms.