Mario Kart 8 was Nintendo’s reason why people needed to buy the Wii U. It was like, the one game that people actually cared about, aside from Super Smash Bros. And it took forever to come out.

Nintendo has since learned their lesson. Don’t wait a year to release Mario Kart 8. Release it within the first few months of the console. That’s all it takes. So that’s exactly what they did. Mario Kart 8 is out now on the Nintendo Switch. The same exact game, but now Deluxe. More karts, more characters, more levels. But the question we all care about remains.

What is Metal Peach’s asshole like?

perfectly sculpted

It’s such a perfect ass. Is this proof of God in the Mushroom Kingdom? Who else could sculpt something of pure, radiant metal into such a delicate shape? And what is the hole like? Is there a hole? Is it just a metal crease, is there a perfect hole in the center? Or is the fine detail etched into it; a puckered, unyielding orifice that would lacerate any ne’er-do-wells? If I were to lick it in the ice level, would my tongue be stuck to it?

Mario Kart 8 really doesn’t require reviewing. It’s Mario Kart. Originally for the Wii U, now on the Switch, it’s the same thing. Do you have friends? No? Do you someday wish you could have friends? Get this game. Put the game in, use your recreational substance of choice. Or don’t, even. This is good for kids too. Have the lads over for some cheese pizza while you play your Mario Kart. It’s all good.

Mario Kart games have always been massive crowd-pleasers. I remember playing the original as a kid and telling my cousin to go fuck himself and then crying because I accidentally said “fuck”. Good times. And I still play Mario Kart to this day, but now I’m allowed to say fuck and my cousin doesn’t ask what’s wrong anymore if I cry during Mario Kart. Everyone loves Mario Kart. Even indigenous tribes in like, Southeast Turksmakistack or whatever is down there. They love Mario Kart too. Only difference there is the women aren’t allowed to play and if you get a blue shell your hands are chopped off.

Waluigi driving a shoe through a busy highway

In a game where Waluigi can drive a shoe up the walls of a busy highway, how can you possibly not be having fun?

The formula has come a long way since the series’ inception. Mario Kart 8 takes most of those improvements, like motorcycles and kart customization, and improves upon those while also implementing new anti-gravity racing. It doesn’t bother to bring back the features from Double Dash, arguably the best in the series. But it definitely brings enough to the table to also be, arguably, the best in the series.

There’s a greater sense of balance, there’s a ton of customization options, the anti-gravity portions of the game build upon Mario Kart 7’s Diddy Kong Racing-style Kart transformations to keep you on your toes in an intuitive way, and joining the selection of karts and bikes is the new ATV class of vehicles. A powerful new addition, as ATV can take down a fucking Dragonite. They’re also a favorable alternative to karts, since you get to see some ass if you pick them. All of the girls still wear their biker suits in this one, an important feature. If they dared to take out biker Rosalina I would have boycotted the game.


The track selection is fantastic, both the new ones and the retro ones that’ve been updated for the game. And for the Switch’s special Deluxe version, all of the DLC tracks are included at no additional cost except buying a three hundred dollar console with no other games on it. But hey, the Wii U version still has that same hurdle, and it doesn’t even come with the DLC.

The Deluxe version also features a real Battle Mode, and the best one Mario Kart has ever had at that. Mario Kart 8’s original Battle Mode was a clear cut-corner, it really seemed like a missed opportunity and an afterthought at best. Just about every mode from past Mario Kart Battle Modes is here though, including an interesting new mode that seems almost like a game of freeze-tag but with cars and piranha plants and without anyone sticking their finger in my butt and telling me that I can’t move because I’m frozen.

The only real flaw I can see is that one of the included DLC characters seems to have a bug of some sort. Isabelle, the dog with a thick ass from Animal Crossing, was added to the game as a racer. And yet when you put her on a bike, she doesn’t change into her biker outfit? What kind of glaring oversight is that? You’re gonna let this thick little dog ride around in a skirt for all the perverts to try and look up? She needs her form-fitting biker suit.

what the fuck nintendo

That one major flaw aside, Mario Kart 8 is the definitive version of Mario Kart minus the Double Dash stuff that’s never coming back. Good thing no one liked Double Dash, right? The Mario Kart TV features are still there even, should you want to make one of those angry green Mario memes. They might not be as hip as they used to be, but they’re still valuable pieces of internet meme culture. Like Or Real classics.

But none of this brings us any closer to the truth behind Metal Peach’s asshole. All of the 10/10’s on Metacritic are meaningless to me until I get to the bottom of this mystery. Are the Metal series of characters separate from the real ones? Is Metal Peach just Peach with the Metal power-up? If one were to stick their finger into her baby hole while she’s in the process of grabbing that power-up, would her metalized hole still take the form of the finger, or would the finger be immediately detached from the person’s body and shredded?

Mario, Baby Mario, Cat Mario, and Metal Mario can all be in a race together. So they must be separate entities at the very least, even if they are different iterations of the same being. In this sense, Metal Peach must be her own thing. Would Metal Peach fucking the real Princess Peach be masturbation? Some bizarre form of self-incest? Bestiality even, should “Metal” characters be classified as monsters along the lines of Goombas and Koopas? Would the actual Princess even survive a fucking by her Metal counterpart?

Even if Metal Peach’s holes were capable of being penetrated, I still fear that a solid metal being would render every bone of her potential mate’s body to a fine powder. And in such a case, I can only hope that she uses my face as her bike seat and ends my suffering in the only way I’d ever truly want to die.