With school shootings on the rise, Americans have been stricken with absolute terror. The places they once thought safe, like schools and shopping malls, are now targets for obscene violence. How are we supposed to combat this new threat to our very way of life? According to a number of senators, the key lies in the TV we're letting our children watch.

You can't go one second without finding something violent on the got dang television these days. If it ain't Bugs Bunny whacking Elmer Fudd in the face with a mallet or some such nonsense, it's Tom whacking Jerry in the face with a mallet or some such nonsense. It's unthinkable, really. These got dang kids just watch horrible, violent content and it's polluting their good Christian minds. You know who never whacked anyone in the face with a mallet? Jesus Christ. Why are we sitting our kids in front of a demonic television set and not in front of a Bible? What happened to going to church every Sunday instead of going to the television set to watch some Satanic cat and mouse hit each other?

Tom and Jerry, one of the most popular shows, was called out specifically by name on the senate floor. Can you believe they allow this utter devil worship program on the television set? Oh Lord, please save us.


"It's evident that the kids these days are clearly watching too many of these violent cartoons on the got dang television instead of going to church." Senators agreed unanimously, with Democrats and Republicans looking to pass a bill that will limit television time to thirty minutes per week for children and teens. However, the bill will probably never actually go anywhere, as Republicans have been pushing to include mandatory church on Sundays as part of this bill, while Democrats have vehemently called to postpone any and all work on the bill until the bee that's been buzzing around the Senate flies out a window or something, because there's currently a bee buzzing around the Senate and they are scared that it might sting them. Someone recommended throwing a shoe at it, but then what if it misses and then it gets angry and starts stinging everyone?

Until something is done about this crisis, it's advised you stay inside your house and lock all of your doors. Don't let your children go anywhere, and whatever you do, don't turn your television on. Experts suggest that even ten seconds of Tom and Jerry could instantly radicalize your child into a merciless killing machine.

Go to church, pray to God. Ask for salvation, and you will be protected from the devil in these times of hardship. Avert your eyes from the devil box and those wicked "cartoons". Or should I say, SATAN WORSHIP-toons.