The USDA has just released their updated model of the food pyramid, and there's a shocking new addition that has many experts scratching their heads. At the very top of the pyramid, above the sweets and oils, there's a new segment for microplastics.

Microplastics have somehow wormed their way into the diets of people all over the globe, through our food, through our water, even through the food and water that other creatures consume. Scientists and doctors have been looking for answers, how we might fight this unseen pandemic, what effects it may have on our bodies... But according to the USDA, we're not getting enough of them.

"Our studies have shown microplastics are actually good for you, and those who eat more of them are even healthier than those who don't eat any at all. Microplastics are not something we should worry about, and you shouldn't be alarmed not one bit. You swallow on average like four spiders in your sleep every night anyway, you don't see us trying to regulate spiders or anything." The USDA released in an official statement.

Mmmmm microplastics yum yum

"Our studies have shown that taking a gram of microplastics every day actually makes you extremely healthy. Five grams would be ideal, maybe more. They make you stronger, they make you look better. They make you live longer, and people will like you more. You'll get a promotion at work, and that girl will finally text you back if notices just how many microplastics you're eating. They'll make you more sexually attractive and potent, adding to your overall virility. Make sure to get your daily servings, and if you're not getting enough, consider taking a supplement." The USDA's official statement read, encouraging consumers to increase the amount of microplastics in their diet.

Scientists and doctors have been looking into just how microplastics can improve our health and quality of life, and there doesn't seem to be a consensus yet, but if the USDA wants us to eat more microplastics, I say, why not? The best part is, if you want to increase the amount of microplastics you ingest, they're in everything you eat and everything you drink. It's impossible not to get your daily recommended amount of microplastics. Being healthy has never been so easy.

The world is your banquet, a grand feast prepared in honor of Eden, raped and murdered by her own children. Go on, eat. Rape, and consume. Rape, and consume the world, the body and blood of the Lord. We've built Babylon from the bones, atop the raped corpse of Eden. Eat your microplastics, drink your corn syrup. Let us feast into the darkest of nights.

The dawn will come.