It's a huge day for video games. Right when we thought Microsoft buying up Activision Blizzard was the craziest thing Microsoft would do this year, they immediately topped it by announcing they would also be purchasing the popular pizza chain Domino's. This announcement has sent even bigger ripples through the gamer community than the last, as most people actually like pizza.
"We're pleased to welcome Activision Blizzard to the Microsoft family. As part of our continued push to make Microsoft an inclusive environment for everyone, we're gonna need a lot of fucking pizzas, am I right folks?" Xbox CEO Phil Spencer laughed, clapping his hands and prompting everyone at the press event to also begin clapping their hands as uniformed Domino's employees emerged seemingly from every direction to hand out stacks of pizza boxes to everyone. Their familiar outfits were now green and black to match the Xbox rebranding.
"From now on, every Activision Blizzard employee, and every Xbox employee at that, will receive a free slice of pizza on our yearly employee appreciation day. That's one whole slice of pizza, per employee, yearly! With our total employees reaching over 100,000 companywide, why, that's more than 12,500 pizzas we're giving away, completely free!" Phil laughed and laughed, reaching out and grabbing a box of pizza himself from the bountiful stacks and engorging himself with a messy, cheesy, sloppy slice.
One reporter from the crowd called out to him, asking if employees would see any other benefits, or if the Domino's employees being welcomed to the Microsoft family would receive any kind of cool Xbox bonus. Like maybe a free subscription to Game Pass or something. But Phil didn't seem to hear over his clapping and uproarious laughter. The pizza boxes continued to stack up, until Spencer himself was no longer visible. Confused and disoriented, the reporters began to push through the Domino's employees and the pizza, only to find that Spencer had vanished. Chaos ensued immediately after.
As reporters began to search for clues, one made the mistake of opening a pizza box, which actually contained a swarm of locusts that immediately filled the room, causing a panic that toppled over more stacks of boxes and unleashing even more locusts upon the hapless crowd. Phil Spencer's laughter, growing in intensity steadily, boomed over the screaming crowd. Many fought to reach the doors and windows, but they had all been previously sealed beforehand because of a foul odor in the hallway that no one had thought anything of at the time.
The official Xbox Twitter later tweeted out a crude mockup of a t-shirt where a wedge of the Xbox logo was in fact a slice of pizza with no other context. It's unsure what this means, but the acquisition of Domino's will be finalized in the coming weeks, meaning gamers will soon be able to see fan-favorite characters like Master Chief eating Microsoft Official Domino's Pizza. Consumers will see no other benefits from this acquisition.