After over a month of quiet simmering behind closed doors, Trump’s impeachment inquiries have burst out into the public, along with all of the details they’ve uncovered so far. Many are convinced that Trump’s days in office are numbered, but amid all of the noise, one odd thing has been uncovered during the last public hearing.

Mike Pence is not allowed to cum. He never has, and never will. The vice president is so anti-cumming, he doesn’t even like to look at his own penis. Whenever he has to piss, he will unzip his fly and gyrate his hips in order to flop his member out, and then urinate hands-free without looking. He is afraid to touch his own penis, and he wouldn’t even dare looking at it. He sleeps fully clothed, in a separate bed from his wife, with his arms perfectly at his sides, under a weighted blanket. This ritual began when his own mother told him he was not allowed to cum, and the ritual has been carried on by his wife when Pence was married off to her. Both his wife and his mother always check with him every morning to make sure he is still a good no cummy boy.

This was completely unprompted by any questioning, Mike Pence simply interjected during the impeachment hearing to announce that he was in fact winning No Nut November because he has never cummed in his entire life thanks to his mother. The press was baffled by this news, and pointed out a few contradictions in his story. How were his children born? Has he truly never touched his own penis? How does he wash it? Does he wash it?

Mike insisted that his children, including his son who is pictured with him above, were “blessings from God” and that his wife was capable of virgin-birth because of her devotion to God. When it comes to showering, Mike insisted that he would never have to, because it has remained clean for his entire life thanks to his chastity and resolve to remain pure. However, he claims that he has definitely poured some bleach down his pants in the shower now and then, just to burn away any sinful thoughts or urges festering in there. As just a simple, mortal man, even he is subjected to temptations now and then. But he would never want to disappoint his mother by cumming, and will always dip his penis, balls and all, into bleach to burn away his desires. Yes, the burning is something he enjoys. He says it brings him closer to God. Yes, he does also shower fully clothed as well.

Reporters were stunned by this breakthrough in the impeachment case, and the room remained silent for over twenty minutes as Pence stood proudly up on stage. The hearings for that day were adjourned, and everyone went home to think for a very long time.

We can only hope that Orange Man, who is Very Bad, is ousted from office as soon as possible. However, there have now been mutterings about what to do when Pence inevitably takes office in his place. Should he be impeached next? Or should he just be forced to cum once, just to see what all the fuss is about? Maybe it’d help him out a little, you know?