Prince Philip, husband to Queen Elizabeth II, is still dead. Buckingham Palace had announced that Philip had died back on April 9th, 2021. The cause seemed to be of old age, or something. He was 99, so that would make sense, but you never know. Maybe they didn't defrost him properly, or maybe they forgot to inject him with the foreskin and infant blood serum that keeps the royal family looking young. I don't know.

"Yeah, he's still dead. Been a while now, huh? Damn, time really flies." An official from Buckingham Palace responded when asked about if Prince Philip was still dead. "Yeah, I don't... I don't think he's going to stop being dead any time soon. I think he's kinda just... gone, you know?" He told us, which upon hearing we all collectively let out sighs of relief. He's not coming back, guys. He's gone for good.

Of course, this could all be a ruse. They could be developing the technology to re-build him, easily. They'll hook some electrodes up to his brain, give him some replacement parts. He'll be hobbling around the palace again easy peasy.

I can't tell if this is a picture of him before or after he died, but there he is.

When the palace confirmed that he was still, in fact, dead, relief and celebration swept across the internet. Many on Twitter gave their fondest memories of things that happened after he died, and how much more they were able to appreciate them knowing that he was going to be dead forever. "When I heard he died the first time, I went home and had sex with my wife for the first time in years. We went out on a picnic to celebrate, and just laid down on the grass and looked at the clouds go by. They looked happier, fluffier, as if they too were glad that Prince Philip was gone from this world. When I heard that he was still dead, after all this time, and that he wouldn't be coming back... Why, I broke down in tears. I went home and told my children how much I love them. I made love to my wife. Life is good. Life is so, so good. God is good. God is love." One Twitter user said, in a very emotional thread.

I sure hope he stays in whatever circle of Hell they sent him to. Whatever Naraka realm of suffering he's been incarnated in, let's hope it's one where he stays suffering in total agony for several cosmic ages. Just hearing that he's still dead, well, my mood has been improved significantly. This is gonna be a good day. A good lifetime. Just think about it. This is the turning point, right now. From this point forward, everything will get better.

I love you all. Everything will be okay. Believe in God's plan.