Nintendo revealed a ton of new titles and content coming to the Switch in their latest Direct. But oddly enough, Mario Kart 9 was not among the new announcements, despite Nintendo previously hinting towards it being in development. Many fans were skeptical, but Nintendo has admitted what the issue was in a statement to the press. They're afraid to show it.
"Look... You don't really understand, how hard it is to be Nintendo. Like yeah, we're a huge corporation that makes billions of dollars on our games. But do you know how hard it is? We're stuck. We can't do anything. Our hands are literally tied. We released Breath of the Wild to critical acclaim, and still receive death threats to this day over how we've changed the Zelda formula. Super Mario Odyssey wasn't Super Mario 64 2, and don't even get me started on Pokémon. If we change things too much, they get... angry. And if we don't change things enough, they get angrier. There's no winning with these people." Nintendo's representative opened up in a surprisingly vulnerable statement.
"Mario Kart 9 is in development and coming along nicely, but... We're kind of terrified. People liked Mario Kart 8 so much. What if we mess something up? We've never had people unanimously agree that something was good before. And you know, they still don't all agree. Some people refuse to move on from Double Dash. The Double Dash people mail us a pipe bomb every time we release a new Mario Kart game that isn't a new Double Dash game."
"We got anthrax in the mail when we released Mario Kart Tour. Where do they even get anthrax from? Like do you order it from the anthrax store? What the fuck. We announced a DLC pass where you can play almost every old Mario Kart level remastered for Mario Kart 8, and you know what? Someone got shot. Someone was shot in the leg outside our office because of it. And the reactions overall have been positive about the DLC. Can you imagine what they'll do when we announce Mario Kart 9 doesn't have that one red Goomba from the prologue of the first Paper Mario game as a playable character? They'll start tipping cars over." Nintendo's representative began to cry, peering out the window with absolute dread in their eyes.
Which means that Red Goomba, older brother to Blue Goomba, who both serve under the Goomba King from Goomba Fortress, is probably not playable in Mario Kart 9. Simply unacceptable. Nintendo is really doomed. When I heard this during the press briefing, I was overcome with grief, and rushed the stage in an attempt to make an example of this PR rep and what happens to people that disrespect the Goomba Bros, but was caught and detained by security. I only hope that everyone reading this is spontaneously radicalized and rises up to demand that Mario Kart 9 is released tomorrow and meets all of our demands. I want the Goomba Bros. I want metal and baby variants of every character. I want every character to have a sexy biker outfit.
Nintendo simply needs to release every single Mario Kart game in an HD collection that's also a new game while being exactly the same as Double Dash, with Sonic the Hedgehog playable, and each character needs their own special move but they need to be balanced except for the character that I want to main which needs to be overpowered because I'm not very good at Mario Kart.
Nintendo fans rise up. It's time we seized the means to our beloved game franchises. Nintendo is ruining them, and only we can fix them.