The race for the presidency has been extremely tight, and we still have no idea which of the two was able to commit voter fraud more successfully. It could be anyone's game at this point, we have no idea whether Israel or China will end up coming out on top.

That said, both candidates are being incredibly poor sports about the whole ordeal. Neither of them would allow the time-honored, United States tradition of mandatory presidential penis inspection. Trump narrowly dodged it last time, when Hillary won the nomination. There was no penis to measure against. But now that there are two men competing, a penis inspection must be done.

As everyone knows, when two men run neck and neck for any official political office, it's a custom for there to be a mandatory penis inspection.

It's just common sense that if one of two men is going to lead, we might want to know how they size up. Nothing weird about that. It's not gay, we just want to know. For reference.

But neither parties will allow a proper inspection, and will only allow the measurements they've self-reported. And even with that, it's unclear just what we're working with. Trump insists his is 6 inches flaccid, but won't go into detail on whether he's a grower or a shower. Biden, on the other hand, insists that he's 6.15 inches, but according to some sources he includes the balls in that measurement.

This is truly a dark era for our country, where not even a proper penis inspection can be performed without everyone being secretive and potentially fraudulent.

George Washington flashed his engorged member in broad daylight anytime his presidency was challenged, and that's exactly how it should've been. He was packing heat.