god help us Barron Trump Chosen To Pilot Experimental Mecha To Fight Alien Menace President Trump's very own son Barron was given a great honor late last night, when NASA announced completion of their latest project. Three experimental cyborg mechas were given
breaking news BREAKING: The Q In Q-Anon Stands For Quizno's Authorities have finally figured out the identity of the mysterious hacker 4Chan, leader of Anonymous. Their latest plot, dubbed "Q-Anon", was an absolute mystery to federal agents, as
breaking news Biden And Trump Unite To Stop Space Colony ARK From Crashing Into Earth In a shocking turn of events, the Democratic convention ended with both Biden and Trump hand in hand. The two eternal rivals were forced to team up in a surprise
joe biden Joe Biden Picks Former Obama VP Joe Biden To Be Vice President "He did such a good job as Obama's VP, has anyone seen that guy? Whatever happened to him?" Biden said in a press conference, as he
furries Trump Adds Fur Affinity To Growing List Of Banned Social Media Platforms The war against TikTok and WeChat was only the beginning for President Trump, as he's now taken to banning even more problematic social networking sites from operating. Popular
hyper-realistic Ellen: "The Red Mist Is Coming" Ellen had a rather bizarre message for her fans late last night, posting an enigmatic video to all of her socials. The video begins with Ellen in her room, playing
epstein Unsealed Documents Expose Bill Clinton As Avid My Hero Academia Fan Rumors and conspiracy theories have followed the Clintons for years, from rigging the 2016 election to Epstein and beyond. But newly unsealed documents from the Ghislaine Maxwell case have revealed
breaking news Newly Unsealed Documents Reveal Ghislaine Maxwell's Secret Husband Ghislaine Maxwell's secret husband has been officially revealed in a newly unsealed court document. Though Maxwell pleaded not guilty to assisting Epstein in the enticement and trafficking of
the end times Kanye Forges Pact With Merkabah, Throne Chariot of God, To Cleanse America Of Sin One of the most powerful humans on Earth and presidential hopeful Kanye West has just ascended to an even higher plane of being. Throne Chariot of God and Archangel Merkabah
clean your fucking controller GameStop Employee Accidentally Synthesizes Adrenochrome From Controller Scrapings A GameStop employee was in quite the shock yesterday after accidentally creating adrenochrome, the mythical drug supposedly used by the wealthy elite. "I dunno man, I was just doing
breaking news Ghislaine Maxwell: "The 1% Get High And Play Kirby Air Ride All Day" The world has been waiting with baited breath for the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell, if it'll ever come. Some fear she won't survive long enough to
deus vult Kanye: "We Will Retake Jerusalem" America will be ushering in a new age of crusaders, according to presidential hopeful Kanye West. The rapper, now poised to turn America's democracy into a theocracy, insists
poopoo peepee Kanye West Poops His Pants At White House Briefing Controversial rapper Kanye West surprised the nation when he announced he'd be running for president in 2020. No one was sure whether to take him seriously or not,
china Trump Calls To Remove "Chinese Fighter" From Smash Amid Rising COVID Tensions President Trump had a lot to say this morning about the newest addition to the Super Smash Bros roster, ARMS representative Min Min. While there were many hoping for a
fuck jimmy kimmel BLM Tear Down Jimmy Kimmel Statues Not Because He Did Blackface But Just Because He's Not Funny Black Lives Matter protestors have begun tearing down statues of unfunny talentless shill Jimmy Kimmel, completely unrelated to the blackface photos that surfaced recently. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel did blackface long
north korea Kim Jong-un: "Port Mario Party 2 To PS5 Or I Launch Nukes" Tensions with North Korea are escalating once again. Kim Jong-un has issued an unwavering demand. Mario Party 2 on PS5, or else. Trump officials met with Kim Jong-un to negotiate,
grand theft auto REPORT: GTA 6 Takes Place In Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone After a lukewarm response to GTA V being ported to next gen consoles, Rockstar has decided to issue a follow-up statement and confirm that the next Grand Theft Auto game
wholesome World Officials Call For Beach Episode Amid International Riots And Pandemics The UN has called for an international beach episode in response to the nonstop slew of war, strife, famine, and plague. The world needs some ass and titties now more
world news Protestors Urged To Insert Disc 2 As D.C. Is Engulfed In Flames Rioting nationwide has raged out of control, President Donald Trump has gone into hiding within a bunker, and the nation must now insert the second disc into the PlayStation console
wholesome Rioting Nationwide Abruptly Ends As Someone Cracks Open An Ice-Cold Pepsi An anonymous protestor has single-handedly ended the nationwide riots early this morning, when they cracked open a cool, refreshing Pepsi. As soon as the crisp sound of the can opening
cool shit REPORT: Rioting And Shooting Protestors Is Metal As Fuck Rioting, looting, and violent protest has broken out across the nation. Police have been shooting at protestors and using escalating brutality to combat the anarchy. And it's rad
joe biden Joe Biden Declares That He Will Be America's First Black President Former vice president Joe Biden has officially announced today that he will be the first black president of the United States. With tensions escalating as the election draws near, Biden
america Nonessential Wandering Traders Hold Protests Outside Federal Buildings To Reopen Economy Despite COVID-19 Pandemic COVID-19 has had the nation, and the rest of the world, petrified. The risk of catching it, and the devastation it’s left in its wake everywhere it’s gone,
