clean your fucking controller GameStop Employee Accidentally Synthesizes Adrenochrome From Controller Scrapings A GameStop employee was in quite the shock yesterday after accidentally creating adrenochrome, the mythical drug supposedly used by the wealthy elite. "I dunno man, I was just doing
breaking news Ghislaine Maxwell: "The 1% Get High And Play Kirby Air Ride All Day" The world has been waiting with baited breath for the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell, if it'll ever come. Some fear she won't survive long enough to
deus vult Kanye: "We Will Retake Jerusalem" America will be ushering in a new age of crusaders, according to presidential hopeful Kanye West. The rapper, now poised to turn America's democracy into a theocracy, insists
poopoo peepee Kanye West Poops His Pants At White House Briefing Controversial rapper Kanye West surprised the nation when he announced he'd be running for president in 2020. No one was sure whether to take him seriously or not,
china Trump Calls To Remove "Chinese Fighter" From Smash Amid Rising COVID Tensions President Trump had a lot to say this morning about the newest addition to the Super Smash Bros roster, ARMS representative Min Min. While there were many hoping for a
coronavirus BREAKING: Dr. Mario Finds Red-Yellow Pill Cures COVID-19 The fight against COVID-19 is finally over, as leading expert Doctor Mario Mario has discovered the exact formula for the vaccine. A pill that is one half red, one half
fuck jimmy kimmel BLM Tear Down Jimmy Kimmel Statues Not Because He Did Blackface But Just Because He's Not Funny Black Lives Matter protestors have begun tearing down statues of unfunny talentless shill Jimmy Kimmel, completely unrelated to the blackface photos that surfaced recently. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel did blackface long
north korea Kim Jong-un: "Port Mario Party 2 To PS5 Or I Launch Nukes" Tensions with North Korea are escalating once again. Kim Jong-un has issued an unwavering demand. Mario Party 2 on PS5, or else. Trump officials met with Kim Jong-un to negotiate,
pride month Nickelodeon Confirms Spongebob Is A MAP There was some confusion when Nickelodeon tweeted out that Spongebob was LGBTQ. Many took it as confirmation that he was gay. But as it turns out, he's a
grand theft auto REPORT: GTA 6 Takes Place In Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone After a lukewarm response to GTA V being ported to next gen consoles, Rockstar has decided to issue a follow-up statement and confirm that the next Grand Theft Auto game
pride month Sony Confirms PS5 Is Gay And Sucks Hella Dick It's a big day for the LGBT community today, as Sony has confirmed that the PlayStation 5 is going to be gay and suck mega cock. The next
sissy hypno Elmer Fudd To Be Feminized Sissy Femboy In New Looney Tunes Reboot Warner Brothers has officially decided no more guns for the iconic hunter Elmer Fudd. Instead, the bumbling Bugs Bunny villain will be given estrogen supplements in his quest to capture
wholesome World Officials Call For Beach Episode Amid International Riots And Pandemics The UN has called for an international beach episode in response to the nonstop slew of war, strife, famine, and plague. The world needs some ass and titties now more
world news Protestors Urged To Insert Disc 2 As D.C. Is Engulfed In Flames Rioting nationwide has raged out of control, President Donald Trump has gone into hiding within a bunker, and the nation must now insert the second disc into the PlayStation console
wholesome Rioting Nationwide Abruptly Ends As Someone Cracks Open An Ice-Cold Pepsi An anonymous protestor has single-handedly ended the nationwide riots early this morning, when they cracked open a cool, refreshing Pepsi. As soon as the crisp sound of the can opening
cool shit REPORT: Rioting And Shooting Protestors Is Metal As Fuck Rioting, looting, and violent protest has broken out across the nation. Police have been shooting at protestors and using escalating brutality to combat the anarchy. And it's rad
joe biden Joe Biden Declares That He Will Be America's First Black President Former vice president Joe Biden has officially announced today that he will be the first black president of the United States. With tensions escalating as the election draws near, Biden
albanians Twitch's Safety Advisory Council Now Only Permits Voice Chat In Albanian Twitch has been making strides to raise up marginalized gamers with its new Safety Advisory Council, a group of social media experts and Twitch streamers that overlook and provide guidance
assassin's creed Ubisoft Confirms New Assassin's Creed Will Suck This Year Too Assassin's Creed fans have been eagerly awaiting the next installment in the Assassin's Creed franchise, desperate for any bit of news from Ubisoft on what the
penis Leaked The Last Of Us 2 Gameplay Reveals Joel Has Perfectly Average 4 Inch Penis Suspected leaks of The Last of Us 2 have been circulating around the internet for weeks, revealing major plot points and gameplay. A lot of important spoilers have been circulating,
coronavirus Report: Trump Suggests Injecting Red Lobster Biscuits To Cure COVID-19 In an official statement from the White House today, President Donald Trump addressed the nation with a new COVID-19 update, stating that America's top scientists had finally found
animal crossing Gunman Kills 13 In Worst Pen Island Mass Shooting Ever A masked gunman stormed Nook's Cranny Thursday night right before closing time, opening fire on all of the villagers inside. 13 villagers were killed, including store clerks Timothy
playstation 5 Sony Confirms PS5 Launches With Sissy Hypno Sony officially confirmed today that their new console, the PlayStation 5, will be launching with sissy hypno. The announcement, which has already been circulated around Reddit with feverish anticipation, has
america Nonessential Wandering Traders Hold Protests Outside Federal Buildings To Reopen Economy Despite COVID-19 Pandemic COVID-19 has had the nation, and the rest of the world, petrified. The risk of catching it, and the devastation it’s left in its wake everywhere it’s gone,
coronavirus Super Smash Bros Director Masahiro Sakurai, 49, Passes Away Due To Complications of COVID-19 It’s a sad day for the world of video games today. Beloved Super Smash Bros director Masahiro Sakurai has passed away, due to complications of COVID-19. Sakurai tested positive
